diseased

if someone asks me to jump, i instinctively ask, "how high?" while others who respond in this light could be categorized as driven people who show promise of material success in the world, i am a feeble boy plagued with the need to please. i have this incessant, pending, ridiculous viral disease of needing to please anyone and everyone, and though i seldom succeed in pleasing the other, the course of my attempts to please is quite fascinating.

as a young lad, i was not quite aware of my disease, but my ignorance to it worked out just fine for me. i would comply to others requests/commands with no question, no thought no reason for an alternative outcome. in my high school years, my mind and body showed signs of a need to reject the disease. my need to please was replaced with resentment and coated with indignant tones. i came off as a pissy prep when i felt like people were taking advantage of me or i was being stepped over; the six-hundred pound man made appearances during these times too, but he wasn't the same romantic disney villain plaguing my broken love sick teenage heart. he was the fatty obese disgusting porky slobbery pig who would eat me alive six-hundred pound man and i was a little prick pushing to get some room to breathe.

i'm getting sleepy and cathartic, success!

to recap...so basically, when i felt like people were taking advantage of me i would react in a pissy indignant way. and people just thought i always had something stuck up my ass. i don't think i really understood why i was reacting like that, but i just did and either blamed myself or others and tried to brush it off.

once i got to college i understood the severity of my disease. i tried to rid myself of the disease only to become a little bitch to superficial friends. i tried to change but ultimately i went back to the same good old plagued pitiful pus. everything seemed to work out for me again. i was absorbed with christian ideals and romantic notions of submissive asian culture and i was good to go!

now im at a point where im always on the verge of just going off like a canon at the feel of the slightest inconvenience or rupture. it's crazy how annoyed i get. it either comes out as me bitchin or i suck it up and just act like nothing's wrong.

i got a text message that made me realize the complexities of my plagued self and text messages is a topic i will hopefully get to explore with the focal point of me in relation to them cuz talking about text messaging with universal appeal is not nearly as therapeutic.

PHILIPPINES: Here I come!!

This quarter has been really different for me. I completely absorbed myself in studies and work. I helped out in church from time to time, attended the PAHM events in support of Kababayan, gave a couple of campus tours, and just worked on me. I took a break from helping other people in a significant way. I was just kind of a nomad going from here to there, never fully being connected to anyone or anything. I think about changing the world in a big way everyday, but I rarely call my body to action. I need to make a change and I know exactly where to start.

I plan to go to Manila before I teach abroad in Korea this June. I decided to write my plans in this blog to hold me accountable. These are some tentative organizations I want to work with:

1) Dynamic Teen Company (http://dynamicteencompany.org/)
2) Gawad Kalinga
3) Operation Smile
4) UNICEF
5) Bantay Bata

700 Come Together at Outdoor Mass on UC Irvine Campus

Irvine, CA
By Matt Lapid

700 Hundred Come Together at Outdoor Mass on UC Irvine Campus

"It's time," Father John Francis, announces to the line of students, clergyman, musicians, and parishioners who will lead the opening procession of Mass on the Plaza, the biggest mass of the year at the University of California, Irvine. As I walk towards the center aisle of the outdoor pews as the escort of Ms. Shirl Giacomi, Chancellor of Archdiocese of Orange, I cannot help but feel a certain level of anxiety, not only due to the fact that I am escorting our very own chancellor of the archdiocese, but also because of the excitement and simultaneous nostalgia I experience as a participant of Mass on the Plaza in my last year at UCI and its University of Catholic Community.

The impetus of my excitement is the sight of witnessing all the efforts of my fellow brothers and sisters in the community come to life in the plaza. Every aspect of the mass from the set-up of the chairs to the lining of the various flags -representing the different ethnic groups that comprise our University Catholic Community: Mustard Seeds, Kyrie, Youth for Christ, and Liwinag- to the wide spectrum of cultural garments of hanboks, barongs, maria clara dresses, syrapas, rebazos and ao dais to the syncopated beats of the Korean and Vietnamese drummers to the melodically inspiring voices of the choir to the rhythmic tones and riffs of the band, drives my excitement for this momentous occasion. Yet this excitement is accompanied by nostalgia.

It's a feeling of nostalgia that reminds me of how fortunate I am to be part of this community as a practicing Catholic attending a large, public university like UC Irvine. With a population of over 27, 631 students who come from various creeds, backgrounds, and locations, I feel extremely blessed to practice my faith openly and freely in the outdoor engineering plaza; in an arena open for anyone to see and witness the presence of the Holy Spirit working in the minds, bodies, souls of the 700 in attendance who fill every seat and stand in every spot imaginable. At this moment, I am truly humbled by the grace of God and His wondrous deeds that shine through the presence of all those in attendance. I finally reach my seat at the very front row, and I feel my previous anxiety dissipate as we take our seats and listen to the warm welcome of Archbishop Cirilo.

After Archbishop's affectionate greeting and a welcoming from the UC Irvine's University Catholic Community, the readings of the mass are read. Underscoring the universality of the Catholic Church, the readings are recited in different languages. The first reading is recited in Korean, the second reading in Spanish, and the Gospel in English. Though the languages differ in tones, sounds, and intonations, though some may dress in a hanbok and others in a barong, though we pledge allegiance to different flags, we are connected by the same God; this is the beauty of the Catholic mass, the Universal mass. The Holy Spirit is able to transcend all barriers and speak to the souls of all, no matter what gender, race, or nationality. This universality within the community provokes me to reflect upon the overarching questions of Archbishop Cirilo's homily. Is God present in our lives, and if so, what is His role? Is He even in our lives? If He is in our lives, then how are we using our young minds to glorify God? Are we living each and everyday, thinking about His ultimate purpose for us, or are we being distracted and distanced from God through worldly distractions?

As Archbishop Cirilo concludes his homily, he encourages us to make time for the Lord and make Him a priority. In the midst of all the social and academic pressures from school, I know that we must keep our walks with God alive and continuous, and not fall in the monotony of a pedestrian life of convenience which is so easy to fall into in this secular world. All these questions and thoughts resonate and linger in my head, but then, I look at the hundreds of people coming forward so gracefully to bring God in their lives through the sacrament of communion, and I am assured that Bishop Cirilo's message will not be neglected. This gathering of people through communion with God is so extremely graceful that it leaves indelible impression for me at the conclusion of the mass.


As the mass closes, we are still so full of spirit. fueled by the fast-paced beats and bright voices of the MOTP choir, the opening lines for the recessional song, serve such a powerful response to Archbishop Cirilo's message. "I belong to You, You belong to me Lord/ I'm surrounded everywhere that I go/ I will walk with you/ You will walk with me Lord, "Ms. Giacomi and I bodly clap and along with the choir. My anxiety and pensiveness are taken over by God's confidence and presence. No matter where I am, be it at the University of California, Irvine, back home in the San Fernando Valley, the Philippines, Germany, South Africa, or the Vatican, I am confident that I belong to Him everywhere that I go. These are the declarations and praises that conclude this wondrous evening. There is no question that God is alive in my life for He has filled His presence in this very place that I stand.

alcohol...who are you, really?

time and time again, i find myself in the same position of regret and complete perplexity. i don't know why i keep this urge to get drunk, especially when im not even a "good" drunk. the good drunks are those who spread good vibes and make everyone happy with their ridiculous, yet subtle, antics. you know the kids who are drunk enough to make it a good time, but who aren't so plastered that they have their head over the toilet the whole time. i wouldn't categorize myself as the complete opposite of a good drunk, so i wouldn't say that i'm a bad drunk, but i'd be like the second level below bad, maybe i'd call it the "not so fun" drunk.

i am consistently an inconsistent drunk. i can be happy, playful, emo, violent, and obnoxious. alcohol triggers all these different sides of me that are completely reflective of my personality. i never realized it, or wanted to admit it, always trying to deny that the way i acted the other night was so far from my true self, but in all reality all these complexities and different layers are really a part of me, and i find that scary as hell. i had a talk with my roommate about this topic, and that particular day i was my optimistic, disney self, so i dissociated myself from his assertion. basically, he was saying that he and i are the types of people that can hang out with just about anyone, and we have different subgroups of friends who are a reflection of a little part of us, and he made this metaphor about the different masks we put on in front of people, as if we were putting on different acts for different audiences; it was a very similar notion to Wilde's thoughts of performance and how life is just one big performance and we're all actors who show different faces of whatever we want. well anyhow, my roommate found this revelation to be pretty terrifying. "we have all these masks, but in the end, who are we, really? isn't that fuckin scary?" because i was feeling sickeningly optimistic that day, i saw his uncertainty as a window to put his frown upside down. i simply told him that these masks are different complexities of our dynamic personalities; it just shows how versatile and rounded we are are...lol...and now that i look back on that comment, i'm just like i was completely wrong...damnit...

clean start

i just got out of the shower and i feel so fresh and so clean. i miss this feeling. the feeling of being totally edified by the small things in life, like being able to take a nice cold shower after relentlessly trying to scrub down a very smelly fridge, is crucial for a healthy life. i live like such a barbaric nomad sometimes that i forget what it feels like, i forget how good it feels, to experience balance. when i am balanced, i don't have a million thoughts running through my head, i'm not fumbling over my words or tripping over my steps because i feel a certain calmness, a feeling of fresh cleanliness void of all the stank that wreaks my life. im tired of feeling this cleanliness so seldom in my life. i want some consistency for goodness sake and i need to train and discipline myself to stay clean, literally and figuratively. i think my obsession with being clean derives from my recent experiences of having so much crap to clean up. for instance, i've had a virus on my computer for the past few days, and i recently got rid of all those Trojans with Malwarebytes Anti-Maleware and it was totally free! now that i look back on the whole situation, i really prolonged the whole problem. in my life, i tend to make things a lot harder for myself and i think it's because im just used to having difficulty with things. with this whole virus thing, i would turn on my computer and see like a billion pop-ups and get so frustrated about the slowness of my computer, and its inability to log on the internet, that i would just turn off my computer and complain to my friends. im so tired of not having things come easily that i just kind of ignore certain things... im tired i will finish this post tomorrow...hopefully i will continue this clean start

i love the feeling of brushing your teeth really thoroughly

who knew?

so i was watching thia megia's appearance on america's got talent and i was pretty impressed, but i was thinkin' she's good, but she got nothing on charice, lol. and then i saw her cover of hallelujah and was like dannnng!! after watching that, i clicked on a link of other talented filipina girls her age, and i watched some videos of jessica sanchez, the next beyonce, and jasmine villegas, the pretty mestiza. who knew there were so many young filipina talents? with all the youtube stars like aj rafael, gabe bondoc, passion, etc., i really feel a filipino invasion of artists coming. who would of thought i would see this in my lifetime?

btw i promise im not a creeper. i seem to blog a lot about young filipina singers, but it's crazy how young these kids are and how much talent they have, innsannne!

scatter brained, just one of dem days, everyday

i have always taken my age for granted. i have always been the youngest of my family, the bunso, choo, atin' bulilit. i was always excused for my absent-mindedness or inexperience because of my young age, but heck I'm 21 years of age now and still making the same foolish mistakes. i am honestly scared for myself. i am scared that this stage of being a screw up is not a stage at all, but a part of my life that will plague me. honestly, this part of my personality is getting old fast. i don't know if i can really describe the way i see myself, but i will attempt to do it in some prose, totally unstructured and scattered just like my brain...

so this is a casual day at work

uh...uh....ummm...well...
blank stares on the page blank blank blank think, Matt hurry...everyone's waiting come up with a fucken answer
well...so you want to make a left on East, no West Peltason...and then you'll want to get to this highlighted spot here,
you know that spot marked 523 that took me five minutes to locate on the back of the map, that's where you'll want to go.

i want to tell you to get LOST because that's seriously how i find my way around this place. i get lost enough times that i eventually find it. yeah that's right, it's a metaphor for my life, alright, but i don't know how much longer i can take the long road while i see all these other people passing me up as they drive through the fast lane of life. i want to help you real bad, M'am, Sir, but how can i help you if i can't help myself, damnit.

so m'am you got that make a left on West Peltason, a right at the stop sign, right at Periera Drive, and then the parking lot will be on your left. Got that sir? yes, i finally have made sense of this map, awesome, but i think it's too late...

Looks of bewilderment, too much in a rush to really care about the crappy directions, peace out home cat, a smile and a thank you, bye, bye!

im just sitting here...and thinking damn i wish i was somewhere else, i wish i was someone else.

makin' changes through music

in the midst of all the buzz around michael jackson's death, so many people have shown- through tears, words, testomines, and covers of MJ's hits- the grave influence the King of Pop has had on millions around the world. in the past decade, his life has truly been overlooked and it's sad to admit, but it is only now, after his death, that i am really beginning to pay attention and understand the significance and beauty of his music. with that said, i just want to end this post with saying that anyone who can make a positive change is awesomely beautiful.

"If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change"

-"Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson

"something's missing"

it's like that good old john mayer song..."somethin's missin' and i don't know what it is...no i don't know what it is..."

after i come home from work, i feel so lazy. all i want to do is go on youtube and live vicariously through young talented artists. i keep to myself a lot and am too tired to be social. i feel like my spirit is just wasting away and that im becoming more and more consumed by this world each and every day. im freakin' 21 years old and i'm supposed to be at my prime! im young and healthy, and yet, i cannot seem to pull myself together to really maximize my time. i feel just so eh. there's so many things in the world that i wish i could do, but I am beginning to think that's all I am these days- just a big talker.

on my way

im ridin' thru life without my training wheels
breaking is not an option
im just riding freely

stop and say hi if you see me in your neighborhood :)

im glad i learned how to add pictures today, but i still need a lot of exploring to do, lol
thanks jungle, for inspiring me to be more visual with my blog. i should get one of those photography for dummies books!

*Picture courtesy of Stephanie Kim

my first rap/poem

i have to admit that when i spit
a little rhyme or two my words are not legit

i get caught up in the maze
of anticipated gaze
from those who judge
and my heart fails to budge
all the passion in my soul
refuses to assume its role

as the unstoppable force
that unites me with the Source
of all the great thangs in life
of the One Creator who takes away all the strife
the Blessed Redeemer who
promises eternal life
givin' me a chance to make things right as I lose sight
so I continue to fight with all of my might
because through Him
I can live with such passion as David's hymn

and in due time my rhymes spit so sick
they call you...think, quick
there's no time even to lick
ya little lips and attempt to spit
you mine as well quit cos ull never be able to outwit
this place just got lit

note to god

honestly, there are times in your life when you just feel like crap and then all of a sudden your day changes because of a stranger's smile or a great test score or an inspirational song or movie you might have listened to or watched. or maybe your day changes because of the sunny day outside or a small compliment from someone. i don't know man. i don't know how to express what im feeling but honestly, i am inspired. there's this seventeen year old girl named Charice Pempengco that is just blowing up in the world and she is from the Philippines, and most importantly, she really is an inspiration. It so queer and cheesy, but I am seriously a fan! Her life is just such a freakin' inspiration.

She is an inspiration because she really is the product of the American Dream. She came from a hard life in the Philippines, a life of poverty and struggle and rejection. In the Philippines, people didn't embrace her talent and nobody noticed her because she wasn't pretty in the eyes of Filipinos. It wasn't until she was discovered on youtube, and garnered international sucess, that she gained popularity by her fellow Filipinos. She overcame people's rejection of her raw talent in spite of all her adversities, and now she is changing the world.

When I was growing up, I always watched the videos of Filipino variety shows after my mom would bring them home on the weekends, after a long week at work. There were so many great, amazing singers singing songs by popular American artists like Barbara Streisand, Bete Midler, Barry Manilow, Brian Mcknight, Mariah Carey, and basically everyone and anyone that had a hit single in America. I always wondered why these phenomenal singers never came to America to try to make it big. They sang in perfect English, and performed their own renditions to American songs that were even better than the original.

In the beginning of my adolescence, I was submerged into the K-Pop scene by my middle school peers. They would always boast about the most popoular korean groups: HOT, Fly to the Sky, Shinwa, and the hottest solo artists, Boa, Kangta, Bi, Hyori, etc. And I always had so much pride in the fact that Filipinos sang so well and had so much talent, but they couldn't really compare to these artists because they were just imitating their beloved American singers. When I did share Original Pinoy Music Artists, OPM Artists, with my friends they would find it so odd that Filipino cds would consist of Filipino artists singing American pop songs. My friend, Sujin, was perplexed when she heard Freestyle singing a medley of Janet Jackson and Boyz II Men hits; but for me it was so normal.

And now we go back to the topic of Charice Pempengco. Every time I see her performances on TFC, Youtube, Oprah, the Mandalay Bay. Every time I see performances of her video in South Korea, Italy, the Netherlands, London, Manila, Cebu, the States, I am so inspired and I am so proud to be a Filipino. I feel like dreams really can come true, and it could come true for the ordinary person, and these days I feel so shitty about myself. About my appearance. About my future. About my job. About my leadership skills. About my writing skills. About my life, and I just don't have confidence in myself. I am so affected by people's scolding of my actions, of my shortcomings, and I am so sensitive to people's words that I just overlook all the great qualities that I have and if I do recognize them, I perceive them as qualities of my effeminate character. Why is it a weakness to care about others? Why is it a weakness to be easily inspired by life? Why is it a weakness to proclaim my love for life and for those around me? Why is it a weakness to want to cheer at the top of my lungs, jump up and down, and yell, "hoot, hoot, hoot!" after being inspired? Why do I feel so weak in the world?!??! WHY? WHY? WHY? After thinking all these things and feeling like these, there are moments when I just observe the fairytale story of Charice Pempengco, and I am rejuvenated. It's crazy silly, but it has that effect. Here's this girl who was rejected in her homeland for not being "pretty," who was part of the poor working class in the Philippines, and without any connections from the rich, she rose to stardom. In spite of all the shit that people talk, she does not cease to blow audiences away around the world. And the cool thing is that she is staying true to her self and to her passions.

My conclusion is that I just want to embrace who I am, and improve myself, and stop freakin being so self-conscious about how I act, speak, think, and live, and I just want to live life and spread peace and I don't give a freakin' A about how people will condemn me and if it's in my personality to try to help a billion people. From the crippled lady walking down to the street to the stripper at the nightclub, I am going to help, alright?!?!?

Just a sidenote, upon recapitulating the history of Filipino pop media in relation to the influence of their American colonizer, I am a bit troubled by the continuation of this post-colonial struggle. Though Charice is gaining worldwide success all over the world through her exposure in America, and is fulfilling her wildest dreams, and better yet, fulfilling every Filipino artists' dreams by making here in America, it still troubles me that she received recognition for her compelling performances of countless covers of American pop songs from artists like Whitney Houston and Celine Dion. Now she is "making it" in America not because of fellow Filipino artists but because of the famous, American songwriter/composer, David Foster. So basically, I am sad that we're still subordinate to American power, but I guess that's how the world works and I got have to be thankful that we're supporting each other and not at war with each other anymore. :)

yo!

so just one quick thought before i go to SD. Alright, so with all the inspirational young people that I've been meeting these days, who are really doing good in this world, I feel rejuvenated at this very moment. i know that this is just a fleeing moment, but i'm kind of in between the world of potential and practicality and i'm such a dreamer that i feel like if i just start believing in myself again, i can really make whatever happen. i know im doing good things in this world, but i just need to find a balance between everything and remember that everything serves some sort of purpose! :)

random

there's a whole world out there, that's so beyond my life here in irvine. even though all i can focus on is my petty, problematic life, i am revealed to the things that are greater than me and i am humbled. i am humbled and i am glad

tryin' something new

i've always been a man of many words, but i've come to the realization that using fewer words that leave an impression of people's minds is a much more effective means of communication. i've been using this blog to keep a document of my thoughts, of the many thoughts running through my head without playing victim to my inhibitions. it's been a means of keeping a record my stream of consciousness, but i want to try something different with this blog. i want to be a writer. a writer whose words and thoughts are valued by his reader.

as i reach the end of my adolescence, i strive to really develop myself as a person who does not deny himself of his individuality. i hope to gain confidence in the areas i excel in and strive to become someone who inspires others through my thoughts and actions.

one of my steps in being the person i want to be -and eliminating all my efforts in striving for something or someone that I'm not meant to be- is to expand my writing to a new level of effectiveness. i feel like i have a lot of things to say and i see the world in a different way that others don't, but that is really significant and is worth listening to, but my self image and the way i write kind of causes people to lose focus of the significance of my thoughts and actions. i thought a good way to alleviate this problem is to train my natural voice to deviate from expressing an eternity of jumbled, circular thoughts, and develop my voice into a force that captivates with an undeniable clarity, packed with vivid imagery that appeals not only to the senses but the human spirit. so my plan is to exercise my writing senses by condensing my thoughts; hahaha i keep going on tangents.

the plan is to integrate my own voice to popular quotes that have influenced me in the media. i want to play around with advertising and being a poet, hahaha. so hopefully, this well give me a sense of how i can captivate people in one, condensed, simple thought. so i guess ill pick 10 quotes and try to let my voice speak through them. again, these are quotes from mainstream media/pop culture/songs or they're phrases that i refer to a lot, haha.

1. "JUST DO IT!" (stop being such a pussy. man up and go for it!)
2. "Dance like nobody's watching."
(release your inhibitions. let go and let it rip!)
3. "Stop and smell the roses."
(stop what you're doing. get out of your hectic lifestyle and appreciate God's glory and wondrous deeds!)
4. "Life is a journey." (life is something that we all go through. it consists of many trials and tribulations, but there are many moments of happiness.)
5. "One step at a time" (thinking about the countless possibilities and trying to predict the cause and effect of each and every decision you make, and action you take, can be dangerous and just gives you unnecessary stress. avoid overwhelming yourself and take small doses as perscribed by the doctor.)
6. "Kick, push...kick push" (keep striving forward!)
7. "Hay, naku!" (in moments of disparity, i find solitude in my parent's native tongue and i just release and control my breathing and am relieved at my sighs of ah...)
8. "Awkward, turtle..." (when that really itchy, nasty feeling consumes your heart and soul and plagues your body. this disgustingly uneasy feeling/moment throws your nervous system off and makes you imbalanced and nervous. you can't sit still. you make awkward faces and convey awkward body language. you think of random things like a turtle.)
9. "I'm at a lost for words/And the funny thing is/It's okay" (the sublime)
10. "YES, WE CAN!" (product of propaganda and a hope for a better life through the American dream!)

"How's them for apples!"- Good Will Hunting

Oh I like this one too:
11. "Does anyone have some gum?" (it captures the moment of a long car drive or day of drone-like repetition that drains you of all your energy and leaves you with this nasty stank in your mouth that negatively effects you throughout your daily interactions with people and things. someone helps you out in this instant with something that you don't have but really need- a piece of gum to remedy the nasty stank that life sometimes wreaks of! i need a piece of gum right now and i just brushed my teeth. i'm gonna brush my teeth again and exemplify the words of just do it, hay naku, and kick push, kick push!)

CHARICE!

dude charice pempengco tore it up at Oprah's After Party, woot, woot!!! she sang her new single, "fingerprint," and she came out with choreography and all. She recorded the song just a couple of days ago, damn she's so talented! go to this link if you want to see one of the hottest stars of 2009 perform!

http://www.oprah.com/media/20090223_tows_charice-fingerprint

just another ordinary day....at the courtyard

launching off the ground like a rocket in the sky, i fly into the earth's atmosphere with my superhero cape anticipating my next adventure. who will i save today? who will witness my heroic deeds of awesomeness? which villain will i defeat? the one-eyed monster? the president of the tobacco industry? the six headed ninja monkey? who will it be? anyway, today should be fun. the world is at my fingertips and i can shape it to my liking. the power, the praise, the glory of it all. ah life is great. i am invincible, superhuman. what more could anyone ask for?

is it my superhuman strength that makes me a hero? is it my ability to fly into the deep blue sky? is it my superhuman hearing, or maybe it's my superhuman vision or my superhuman attractiveness? maybe it's my superhero costume? or my superhero attitude? or my dual superhero identity- the nerdy kid with glasses who always has his nose in a book, the fearless superhero in the midst of disparity? is it my life? will someone just freakin' answer? BAM! A big blue whale is tossed in the sky and eats me up alive. I am rendered of my superhuman ability just like that. who knew my only weakness? the whale, the big whale of life, eating me alive. dammit they got me. who am i now?

when we feel invincible enjoying the thrill of life, we tend to ignore life's uncertainty. who knows what will happen today or tomorrow? who knows what will happen a week, month, year, decade, century from now? all i know is that i am simply human, there's nothing superhuman about me, but through Him I can move mountains.

wow...

i don't know if it's the quality of the videos, but i can't believe what i'm hearing and seeing. this is what i'm getting from the youtube videos. so charice sang "listen," live and she wowed the audience like always. then she sang this demo called "fingerprint" that she recorded yesterday. she was all confident and grooving to it when all of a sudden the tape skips, and it's weird cuz she sounds like she's lip-synching. it's like why did david foster make her sing that song? then she tries to sing it again and the cd skips again!! they just move on from the song, and she sings, "I Will Survive," but it was like what the hell is going on? Maybe better videos will come out tomorrow! :)

it's simple

as i type i feel numb. i just want to convey something real. i want the blood to just rush through my finger tips, if that is even how my body works. i want to feel comfortable in my own thoughts, even though there's a million things running through my head, i just want to feel good about saying, "Hey world, this is who I am, take it or leave it. I'm human and I'm growing, but don't put yourself through unnecessary stress in reprimanding me for trying to develop myself. If you choose to do so, then... hey that's okay. I'll be a better man because of it."

people all around me, looking at me with judging eyes, make me fear the world's view, but as each day goes by life flashes right before me, and I feel jipped, yes jipped! Jipped for being stuck in their words. Jipped for caring so much, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I want to shout, "HEY, HEY! You look good today! Thanks for noticing me enough to criticize me! I'm different, I know, but one day this difference is gonna change the world. You might say I'm naive or immature. You might say that I'm a queer kid who has a warped sense of life, but just wait... Wait for me to grow into something bigger than myself. Wait for me to make a change in your life, and please give me that chance cuz I want to help you one day; one day when I become the man that God planned for me to become , I will be of useful assistance to you who persecute me. So thanks and have a nice day! I'm really sorry you feel that way. Maybe I can be of some use to you someday."

In the meantime, I thrive in the world for the people that remind me of the beauty of life. The people who are happy to listen. The people who want the best for me. The people who stop to care. Stop, stop, stop, stop! STOP! STOP! STOOOOOOOOOOP, LOOK, and LISTEN!!!! Sometimes life and people will surprise you and defy all odds in being so sincere and genuine. Don't sell yourself short. It's gonna come back really quick, in the blink of an eye, you might not realize it's there, so just stop and don't be in such a rush. Savor every moment for what it is.

You can be a believer or you can stay skeptical, but you know what? You're only missing out on what life has to offer! Take a step back from everything. All the stress, all the problems, all the messes. Breathe, maybe even, strike a pose or two, no matter how silly you feel. Just believe in the goodness of it all, and the rest will just work out somehow. It always does...in the end.

CHARICE FEVER!

i just have to say, i love charice pempengco! she is freakin' amazing! i will buy a billion, trillion copies of her album when it comes out this year! i'm telling you she is gonna blow up the music charts in '09! i have sixth sense about these things! mabuhay ka, charice! :)

testimony for 2008

I apologize for any grammatical errors in this testimony. I hope to speak freely and avoid concerning myself with how appropriately I use the English language.

Alright, so Hyung asked me to look at Ecclesiastes 12:2, but I only have the New American Bible at home so I'm not sure if this verse is the same in the NIV, but this is what Ecclesiastes 12:1-2 proclaims, "Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come And the years approach of which you will say, I have no pleasure in them; Before the sun is darkened, and the light, and the moon, and the stars, while the clouds return after the rain."

Solomon's message in these verses is that we must remember the Creator in our youth and not let life pass us by without having God in our life. Peter Hyung said that for many people they meet God at a late age, and he's so adamant about having me meet God in my youth. This is the exact question I want to ask myself: In all of my sinfulness and shortcomings, have I truly met God? I want to say YES I HAVE MET GOD, but instead of shouting it out to the world, I want to say yes (in a soft voice) because I feel like this is just the beginning of my journey with me. I can honestly say that I feel like I have met God, but I cannot say that I really, really know Him and His will.

Ah, it's just so hard because I feel like if I proclaim His name and really say "YES I HAVE MET LORD, JESUS, OUR MIGHTY SAVIOR," I have to live up to my proclamation. I feel like using God's name carries such weight and omniscient power and I do not want to devalue His name or dishonor His name by confusing the way I feel for Truth. Does that make sense? I just don't want to affirm that I have met Jesus because I want to show the world who He really is through me and I feel like at this point in my life if I make such an assertion, I have to show the world that He is working in my life. While I feel like I'm on the right path, I have only begun my journey and walk with God.

So I reflect upon this year, and I can truly say that my faith in God has grown. There's no ifs, buts, or maybes in this assertion. I really have grown in my faith. Through bible study, prayer, and a conscious effort to live my daily life with God, I can proudly say that I have grown in my faith. I falter so many times and give into temptation. I let my anger get the best of me, and I think selfishly, but in the end, I feel like in the midst of all of my failures and all my frustrations and all my sinfulness, I come back to Jesus and I feel like everyday He has saved me. He has saved me from my enemies. He has saved from my failures. He has saved from my sinfulness. I guess of all this so abstract, but I feel like I'm experiencing this peace in my life that I've never experienced before, and even though I find shortcomings in my life and I selfishly desire for certain things, I've acquired a genuine humility in the presence God that gives me peace, peace in knowing that God, this omniscient Creator of my life, is working in my life and He really is preparing for something that is bigger than myself, and bigger than my comprehension.

In reference to Ecclesiastes 12, I want to focus on the keyword here which is CREATOR. God is not only my Hero, the Almighty Savior, who sent His only begotten Son to save the world from sin -the Light that leads me in the midst of darkness, the Father who exhibits unconditional love, the Ultimate Teacher in my life, the Friend that lifts me up when the world has turned on me, the Love that compels men to be extraordinary- but he is also the CREATOR of my life, of the earth, of the universe. I think this is so fitting for young people because often we become so self-absorbed in our lives and we begun to abuse our abundant lives and we ignore the Lord as our Creator.

There was a time in my life when I felt like I was my own creator. I made my own destiny. If I just put my mind to it, I could overcome anything. I thought I was invincible and I created a world for myself where the were no limits to my desires. If I wanted to drink, I'd drink. If I wanted to party and hangout with my friends I'd go without any inhibition. Just thinking about myself and I felt like I owed it to myself to be selfish. In my life, I felt like the goodness that I had in my heart was a sign of weakness, compassion was a weakness. Being called nice was an insult because people saw me as such a feeble character and they would walk all over me, so I tried to change that by being completely self-absorbed and valuing the secular life of my friends. I was so caught up in wanting to be accepted and respected in this world that I went to extreme lengths to change myself. I used alcohol as a means to change my personality and mood to show people that I had different sides to my "good" image, and now that I look back on it, I didn't gain anything from that. Those first years in college when I was constantly drunk was just a waste of my life I feel. I don't think drinking is bad, but the way that I was drinking and the purpose that I had in drinking was completely wrong.

Now I that I think about what happened to me with the whole DUI case, I just feel like it was truly God calling out to me and telling me to WAKE UP! I was so self-absorbed and I thought that nothing could touch me and that things just always seemed to work out in my life and I think this experience was so traumatizing for me because it made me realize how infinitesimal and puny my existence is in this world. I mean in the blink of an eye my world was turned upside down. I mean I was seen as the pride and joy of my parents, the one kid who could do no wrong, and it's really funny because I always felt like my parents embraced my compassion and my desire to help the world and that whole part of me that I hated so much, they loved, and that part of me that I wanted to change so much, they embraced. Ironically, the people that supported me no matter what, who always showed me unconditional love, were so hurt in my betrayal of their trust and my sinful ways that I kept from them for so long that they cannot bare to look at me in the same light. I know this is all pretty abstract, but I basically feel like this whole experience with the law is an earthly reflection of God's omniscient power as the Creator, and I feel like He really used the law to protect me from all the things that were hindering from seeing Him in my life. For instance, like the car that was given to my by parents. I would drive all the time and like go from here to there without really thinking of anything or anyone else. I would pay for gas by the credit card that my parents paid for and I would let people drive my car, and look at the consequences I have to face. My license is suspended for a year and I my car was driven into a ditch because I let someone else drive my car and I was stupid enough to try to go home even though me and my friend were both intoxicated. And obviously I don't go out and drink all the time anymore because I go into this whole mess for under-age drinking and driving under the influence and I mean thank God that nobody else and hurt and that no matter how horrid the experience me that we got out of everything safely. Okay so I'm really gonna try to stay focused here and think about what I'm trying say umm....

In my youth, I feel like this verse of Ecclesiastes is so fitting because I really need to remember that God is the Creator, and He is the owner of my life and everything in my life comes from Him and every decision I make should be for the Creator, and I look back on this experience, I look back on this year and I can remember how weak and helpless I felt and I see the evil consequences that can occur if I choose to live a life in my own selfishness. And I need to remember that everything in my life, everything that I am is not because of my will, but His, and I feel like God is in my life and that He is a big enough part of my life that He will not allow anything that is not of Him to prosper in my life. Does that make sense? So I am blessed to have this much of God in my life, and even when I am lost, He makes it a point to push me in the right direction and this crucial moment in my life is a reflection of this, and I honestly don't know where I'm supposed to go from this point forward. And it's so crazy to think that these years of youth are the most pivotal times in my life, and that the man that I'm gonna be in five years is going to be so different and so much more, I hope, than anything I've ever been. I guess what I'm trying say is that it's time for me to let Jesus take the wheel, especially now, because who I am in the next five, ten years is pretty much who I want to be for the rest of my life and I mean , I'm growing up and I'm reaching the end of my adolescence and I need to stop trying to find myself through the world and find myself through Him. I don't know what's gonna come of this court case, and I don't know how things will play out with honest testimonies, but I pray that no matter what happens that I never, ever lose faith in God's purpose for me, and I really leave it in His hands. Life is so much better that way! :)

One last thing though, um so I've established that there's new peace in my life that is obviously greater than anything that I could attain on my own. I mean it's a peace that is from God because there is no way that in my fleshly body that I could overcome daily situations with such peace of mind without the Lord. So I know He's working in my life, but I feel like there's so much potential in my future and that I could really go a million directions, but I feel so lost in which direction I should go, and I tainted by this ideal that if I dream big and if I put in the work and I make things happen that it will happen for me, but the problem with this ideal is that I start to rashly act upon my own desires and I need to act courageously with God and stop attempting to act courageously on my own and stop comparing myself to the world around me. Now is the time, but I don't know which way to go, and I need to really to take the time to really listen to what God has in store for me. I don't know if God wants me to go to the Philippines and help the country through my studies and volunteer work, or use my influence as a model to spread the good news. I don't know if He really wants me to teach English in Korea. I'm kind of just putting the pieces in my life together like because I'm English major and because there will be opportunities abroad for me and I'm interested in the Korean culture and have always felt a connection to Korean people, I feel like I'm being called to teach there, but I've never really taken the time to ask God. Similarly, with the Philippines like I've had this burning desire to gain a sense of identity and help my native country and use my blessings to help people and I feel like I could make the biggest in the difference in the Philippines. And I feel like with the whole modeling thing it's like I would never even think twice about realistically going in that direction, but it's like it's always been a desire in the back of my head that I was too embarrassed to openly talk about with people and I don't know what this stroke of luck of this model agent who saw me open the door for my mom is supposed to be some sort of sign that I can, and I'm supposed to impact people in this way, I don't know. I honestly don't know and I probably really stupid in just thinking these things, but at least now in my life I'm starting to thinking about my vocation in terms of what God has planned for me. When I think about my future, I see myself doing what God has planned for me, and although I don't know exactly what that is, it's like I know that He is going to use me for something bigger than myself, and something that will make an impact in this world, and I promise that I will do my best to open my eyes to His will and to stay God-centered in the rest of my life.