alcohol...who are you, really?

time and time again, i find myself in the same position of regret and complete perplexity. i don't know why i keep this urge to get drunk, especially when im not even a "good" drunk. the good drunks are those who spread good vibes and make everyone happy with their ridiculous, yet subtle, antics. you know the kids who are drunk enough to make it a good time, but who aren't so plastered that they have their head over the toilet the whole time. i wouldn't categorize myself as the complete opposite of a good drunk, so i wouldn't say that i'm a bad drunk, but i'd be like the second level below bad, maybe i'd call it the "not so fun" drunk.

i am consistently an inconsistent drunk. i can be happy, playful, emo, violent, and obnoxious. alcohol triggers all these different sides of me that are completely reflective of my personality. i never realized it, or wanted to admit it, always trying to deny that the way i acted the other night was so far from my true self, but in all reality all these complexities and different layers are really a part of me, and i find that scary as hell. i had a talk with my roommate about this topic, and that particular day i was my optimistic, disney self, so i dissociated myself from his assertion. basically, he was saying that he and i are the types of people that can hang out with just about anyone, and we have different subgroups of friends who are a reflection of a little part of us, and he made this metaphor about the different masks we put on in front of people, as if we were putting on different acts for different audiences; it was a very similar notion to Wilde's thoughts of performance and how life is just one big performance and we're all actors who show different faces of whatever we want. well anyhow, my roommate found this revelation to be pretty terrifying. "we have all these masks, but in the end, who are we, really? isn't that fuckin scary?" because i was feeling sickeningly optimistic that day, i saw his uncertainty as a window to put his frown upside down. i simply told him that these masks are different complexities of our dynamic personalities; it just shows how versatile and rounded we are are...lol...and now that i look back on that comment, i'm just like i was completely wrong...damnit...