note to god

honestly, there are times in your life when you just feel like crap and then all of a sudden your day changes because of a stranger's smile or a great test score or an inspirational song or movie you might have listened to or watched. or maybe your day changes because of the sunny day outside or a small compliment from someone. i don't know man. i don't know how to express what im feeling but honestly, i am inspired. there's this seventeen year old girl named Charice Pempengco that is just blowing up in the world and she is from the Philippines, and most importantly, she really is an inspiration. It so queer and cheesy, but I am seriously a fan! Her life is just such a freakin' inspiration.

She is an inspiration because she really is the product of the American Dream. She came from a hard life in the Philippines, a life of poverty and struggle and rejection. In the Philippines, people didn't embrace her talent and nobody noticed her because she wasn't pretty in the eyes of Filipinos. It wasn't until she was discovered on youtube, and garnered international sucess, that she gained popularity by her fellow Filipinos. She overcame people's rejection of her raw talent in spite of all her adversities, and now she is changing the world.

When I was growing up, I always watched the videos of Filipino variety shows after my mom would bring them home on the weekends, after a long week at work. There were so many great, amazing singers singing songs by popular American artists like Barbara Streisand, Bete Midler, Barry Manilow, Brian Mcknight, Mariah Carey, and basically everyone and anyone that had a hit single in America. I always wondered why these phenomenal singers never came to America to try to make it big. They sang in perfect English, and performed their own renditions to American songs that were even better than the original.

In the beginning of my adolescence, I was submerged into the K-Pop scene by my middle school peers. They would always boast about the most popoular korean groups: HOT, Fly to the Sky, Shinwa, and the hottest solo artists, Boa, Kangta, Bi, Hyori, etc. And I always had so much pride in the fact that Filipinos sang so well and had so much talent, but they couldn't really compare to these artists because they were just imitating their beloved American singers. When I did share Original Pinoy Music Artists, OPM Artists, with my friends they would find it so odd that Filipino cds would consist of Filipino artists singing American pop songs. My friend, Sujin, was perplexed when she heard Freestyle singing a medley of Janet Jackson and Boyz II Men hits; but for me it was so normal.

And now we go back to the topic of Charice Pempengco. Every time I see her performances on TFC, Youtube, Oprah, the Mandalay Bay. Every time I see performances of her video in South Korea, Italy, the Netherlands, London, Manila, Cebu, the States, I am so inspired and I am so proud to be a Filipino. I feel like dreams really can come true, and it could come true for the ordinary person, and these days I feel so shitty about myself. About my appearance. About my future. About my job. About my leadership skills. About my writing skills. About my life, and I just don't have confidence in myself. I am so affected by people's scolding of my actions, of my shortcomings, and I am so sensitive to people's words that I just overlook all the great qualities that I have and if I do recognize them, I perceive them as qualities of my effeminate character. Why is it a weakness to care about others? Why is it a weakness to be easily inspired by life? Why is it a weakness to proclaim my love for life and for those around me? Why is it a weakness to want to cheer at the top of my lungs, jump up and down, and yell, "hoot, hoot, hoot!" after being inspired? Why do I feel so weak in the world?!??! WHY? WHY? WHY? After thinking all these things and feeling like these, there are moments when I just observe the fairytale story of Charice Pempengco, and I am rejuvenated. It's crazy silly, but it has that effect. Here's this girl who was rejected in her homeland for not being "pretty," who was part of the poor working class in the Philippines, and without any connections from the rich, she rose to stardom. In spite of all the shit that people talk, she does not cease to blow audiences away around the world. And the cool thing is that she is staying true to her self and to her passions.

My conclusion is that I just want to embrace who I am, and improve myself, and stop freakin being so self-conscious about how I act, speak, think, and live, and I just want to live life and spread peace and I don't give a freakin' A about how people will condemn me and if it's in my personality to try to help a billion people. From the crippled lady walking down to the street to the stripper at the nightclub, I am going to help, alright?!?!?

Just a sidenote, upon recapitulating the history of Filipino pop media in relation to the influence of their American colonizer, I am a bit troubled by the continuation of this post-colonial struggle. Though Charice is gaining worldwide success all over the world through her exposure in America, and is fulfilling her wildest dreams, and better yet, fulfilling every Filipino artists' dreams by making here in America, it still troubles me that she received recognition for her compelling performances of countless covers of American pop songs from artists like Whitney Houston and Celine Dion. Now she is "making it" in America not because of fellow Filipino artists but because of the famous, American songwriter/composer, David Foster. So basically, I am sad that we're still subordinate to American power, but I guess that's how the world works and I got have to be thankful that we're supporting each other and not at war with each other anymore. :)