ah. the wheels keep spinning and i get nowhere, but i still keep pushing on the gas hoping to get out. i have all these dreams in my head. i talk about them, but i fail to act upon them. i say i'm not gonna let my temper get the best of me, but i continue to yell. i tell myself that i'm going to wake up and the next day will different, but in the end it's all the same. i wake up optimistic but my interactions with the outside world continue to bring me down. my feet are on the ground and im focused ready to work but i'm shackled down by things that i cannot control. i have good intentions but actions don't show it. im just tired of not understanding and being misunderstood.
I take a step back from all the failures and remind myself that God created me with a purpose; despite my shortcomings I still have a purpose. I might not have all the answers about my future, and I'm far from where I want to be, but His spirit is working its way in my life and through Him I will overcome life's adversities. No matter what sacrifices I must make, nothing compares to God's ultimate sacrifice, to send His only begotten son for us. Jesus is my HERO. He is my hope for a brighter future, he is my strength.
Man, "Thankful" by Josh Groban is an awesome song.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
christmas :)
Christmas only comes once a year, but I need to remember "Emmanuel," God is with us always.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
christmas time
so this christmas is really weird because I feel like time is going by so fast, and with work and all, i feel like the holiday just came so fast. it's like since everyone's been working, the days before christmas aren't as cheerful. i miss the feeling of anticipation. since time is passing so quickly, it's like I kind of get depressed that I've accomplished nothing since last christmas. i always try to evalute my self-growth during this time of the year, and every year i delude myself into thinking that I've changed for the better, and this year i feel like i am in a better place than last year, but it's like i kind of face the same obstacles. this whole case doesn't seem to be going away any time soon and it's almost been a whole year since that happend. i still feel so weak. i still get so angry, so quickly. i still get really nervous and awkward, and i have yet to maintain my self-confidence.
i feel extra nostalgic this christmas season because I feel like in my walk with God, I should feel like my heart is pouring out for His love, but it's not. I have a yearning to have Him with me, and I feel like he is in my life, but with all the crap that's going on in my head, and all the things that I value in this secure world, I cannot just let all my sin go and just be filled with Him which doesn't make me feel nostalgic but it just angers me and frustrates me that I'm so caught up in this world, AHHHH! hafioewhiohwiohowh! Sometimes when I feel so filled with God's love I feel like I can move mountains, but I realize that my childish faith cannot overcome the powers of this world; i cannot overcome my weakness to sin, my weakness to rid myself of these worldly values.
i'm so freakin' emo, haha. i pray that tomorrow i feel the christmas spirit and am empowered by His existence in my life. I LOVE YOU JESUS, I really do! :)
i feel extra nostalgic this christmas season because I feel like in my walk with God, I should feel like my heart is pouring out for His love, but it's not. I have a yearning to have Him with me, and I feel like he is in my life, but with all the crap that's going on in my head, and all the things that I value in this secure world, I cannot just let all my sin go and just be filled with Him which doesn't make me feel nostalgic but it just angers me and frustrates me that I'm so caught up in this world, AHHHH! hafioewhiohwiohowh! Sometimes when I feel so filled with God's love I feel like I can move mountains, but I realize that my childish faith cannot overcome the powers of this world; i cannot overcome my weakness to sin, my weakness to rid myself of these worldly values.
i'm so freakin' emo, haha. i pray that tomorrow i feel the christmas spirit and am empowered by His existence in my life. I LOVE YOU JESUS, I really do! :)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
oh life outside the US
today i had a nice talk with a customer representative from one of the dell call centers in makati, philippines :)
Monday, November 17, 2008
"I Hate This Part" cont. and the transition of the "Yes I Can" mentality
Alright so now I'm going to try to recollect each day and it will get really confusing because of the time difference between the States and the Philippines. Let's begin...
November 8, 2008: Arrival to the Philippines
My Uncle Dong, Tita Myr, and Mark pick my Mom and I from the Ninoy Aquino Airport. I remember that on the way to La Vista, I keep staring at out the window and try to absorb all the traffic, people, palm trees, jeepneys, and tri-cycles of Metro Manila, but I keep telling myself, "I don't feel like I'm in the Philippines." I'm startled by this truck full of live pigs in the back driving along Edsa, but I still keep telling myself I don't feel like I'm in the Philippines. We arrive home to La Vista, Q.C. and we are greeted by Uncle Dong's side of the family Ate Joanne, Ate Vic Vic and other relatives. I remember talking to Ate Vic Vic about my major and my plans to teach abroad and talking to her was the start of the "Yes I Can" mentality that developed while I was in the Philippines. I guess what made me think that I could make a difference in the Philippines, and act as an advocate for this "Yes I Can" mentality, was the fact that Ate Vic Vic was impressed that I was an English major and she made it seem like there were a lot of opportunities for teaching English in the PI. I guess it's also because she's a professor for Public Speaking and she was just so motivational.
After chillin' at the house, Tin, the debutante, arrives from school and me, Tin, Kuya Che, Kuya Mike and Mark walk to the Jolibee next to the Petron. As I'm walking I am happy to breathe in fresh and controlled air. A type of air that wasn't experienced in my last visit to the PI 5 years ago. This reference is to my conception that the air quality has improved in the Philippines and also has a figurative meaning for the new air I breathe as a 20 year-old, college student, opposed to a 15 year-old high school student. I remember I wrote something about family in Lertzman's class a couple of months after my visit to the Philippines, and even in my personal statement, I centralized around the concept of Family as a reflection of Philippine culture, and I still affirm family as a big part of Philippine culture, but when I was 15, I think I thought of only my family ties in the Phillippines to mean culture for me. but now I associate the hardships, struggles, sacrifices, self-lessness of the collective Family to the Philippines.
Back to the facts of the story, as Mr. Grangrind would say it's all about the facts, facts, and education don't mean a thang without the facts and all my sentimentalism don't mean a thang! :)
So we arrive to Jolibee and I'm so happy :) I'm able to practice my tagalog and order things I could never consume in the States; though we have Jolibees in the States they don't compare to the ones in the Philippines. You don't get that same authentic flavor. You don't get that ambiance of Metro Manila, the courtesy of the workers. You don't see the pictures of Aga Mulach and you don't get the feeling of, "Hey this is where I belong." So we sat at Jolibee and I relished in the consumption of Macupuno Ube? (It was similar to Halo-Halo) We all sat in the booth and laughed because of Mike's miscommunication about leche with the cashier. Then my brothers told me to prepare myself for our gimic that same night.
Later that evening Kuya Che's, best friend, Joel, picked us up from La Vista and we went to Makati to meet Ate Lisha, Ate Tanya, and their two cousins at this bar called Attica. When we entered Attica, I was given a taste of the night life in Metro Manila. We went up to the second floor and they had this lounge and then we all just had drinks outside on the balcony. On the balcony, you could see the traffic of Metro Manila and hear all the honking of horns and really just appreciate the difference of Manila from other cities. It was like you would see all these narrow roads and worn out buildings and then there would be all these pockets of modern, sheek bars, clubs, and restos. Whether you disapprove of the integration of poverty and modern development, you can't help but appreciate Manila for what it is. Ate Lish and the gang arrived and we hung out at Attica for a while and got acquainted with her cousins, had a few drinks, and went to another bar, called Fiamma. This place was freakin' koo! They played all this house and it was a two-story building that looked like a two-story, really modern-looking, house. The first floor was really wide and big and there were a lot of people but you weren't like squeezed in. Then towards the left of the bar/club, there were all these small parties of people and you could order and drink with your friends there. On the second floor, there was a dance floor, but our group just hung out downstairs. The night was filled with lots of picture-taking, drinking, and eating of some of the best quesedillas ever, paid for by Ate Tan :)
November 9, 2008- The Debut of Kristin A. Militante
Alright I'm getting a little tired now, but I give you the highlights of the Debut. My brother MC-eed and put his American flava on the whole event. We arrived there early and I was greeted by Tin's friends and all of us guys were in a white tees because it was too hot to put on our suits, and it was so weird cuz I felt this odd sense of comfort by the fact that the knights looked and dressed like me. They even thought that I was from the Philippines even though I spoke with my American accent. In the states, there's a mix of so many cultures, and even the Filipinos here come from all parts of the Philippines, and it just felt really koo to feel like you belonged somewhere, and it was even cooler that even though I'm from America, I fit so well with Tin's barkada in Manila. Well anyway back to the highlights. Tin entered by coming down the stairs and she was so beautiful and lady-like in her big, pink dress. Everyone was left breatheless. She had this little sitting area on the stage and that's where everything commenced from. There were slideshows and all this really good food and Tita Myr and Uncle Dong had wonderful speeches. Tita Myr's speech was really heart-wrenching because she's a really good writer and she knows how to convey her thoughts and she kept talking about how the birth of Tin was really a miracle; because Tita Myr had Tin at the age of 43 and it really reminded me of Elizabeth, Mary's cousin or sister, and how everyone said she was barren and yeah. And then she talked about how all her daughter's dreams were coming true and one part of her speech that stuck out was how she talked about how she wished that Tin could hear what's in her mind and heart because it was so hard to express in words how she felt. Then Uncle Dong's speech was really memorable because in his speech, he really underscored how much Tin meant to the family and how proud he was of Tin. Then it was time for Mark's performance with Tin and it was so cool cuz while Mark was singing, "Where's the Girl?" Tin was making this dramatic flee from him and in a nutshell, it was a real crowd-pleaser. It was such a grand, grand event. Then my brother interviewed the 18 knights and we got to Tin and her friends a little better and we got introduced to all the past and present love interests of Tin. It was really lots of fun. At the end of the debut there was time for a little dancing, but during that time I was acquainted with many of Tin's girlfriends, :) It was really koo cuz I felt like I was welcomed there and we all made plans to hang out again and facebook each other, :)
Honestly, the debut was a great introduction to the course of the trip. I see Tin as a lady with this bright future, and I was just awe-struck at her growth and maturity just in the past few years. Also, I felt really comfortable being with a younger crowd, with people my age. Tin's debut made me realize how crucial this time in my life is, and how there's so much potential for the future, for a future career abroad. I just have to remember that I do have a future and stay focused and appreciative of all the things that I have in this present moment.
November 8, 2008: Arrival to the Philippines
My Uncle Dong, Tita Myr, and Mark pick my Mom and I from the Ninoy Aquino Airport. I remember that on the way to La Vista, I keep staring at out the window and try to absorb all the traffic, people, palm trees, jeepneys, and tri-cycles of Metro Manila, but I keep telling myself, "I don't feel like I'm in the Philippines." I'm startled by this truck full of live pigs in the back driving along Edsa, but I still keep telling myself I don't feel like I'm in the Philippines. We arrive home to La Vista, Q.C. and we are greeted by Uncle Dong's side of the family Ate Joanne, Ate Vic Vic and other relatives. I remember talking to Ate Vic Vic about my major and my plans to teach abroad and talking to her was the start of the "Yes I Can" mentality that developed while I was in the Philippines. I guess what made me think that I could make a difference in the Philippines, and act as an advocate for this "Yes I Can" mentality, was the fact that Ate Vic Vic was impressed that I was an English major and she made it seem like there were a lot of opportunities for teaching English in the PI. I guess it's also because she's a professor for Public Speaking and she was just so motivational.
After chillin' at the house, Tin, the debutante, arrives from school and me, Tin, Kuya Che, Kuya Mike and Mark walk to the Jolibee next to the Petron. As I'm walking I am happy to breathe in fresh and controlled air. A type of air that wasn't experienced in my last visit to the PI 5 years ago. This reference is to my conception that the air quality has improved in the Philippines and also has a figurative meaning for the new air I breathe as a 20 year-old, college student, opposed to a 15 year-old high school student. I remember I wrote something about family in Lertzman's class a couple of months after my visit to the Philippines, and even in my personal statement, I centralized around the concept of Family as a reflection of Philippine culture, and I still affirm family as a big part of Philippine culture, but when I was 15, I think I thought of only my family ties in the Phillippines to mean culture for me. but now I associate the hardships, struggles, sacrifices, self-lessness of the collective Family to the Philippines.
Back to the facts of the story, as Mr. Grangrind would say it's all about the facts, facts, and education don't mean a thang without the facts and all my sentimentalism don't mean a thang! :)
So we arrive to Jolibee and I'm so happy :) I'm able to practice my tagalog and order things I could never consume in the States; though we have Jolibees in the States they don't compare to the ones in the Philippines. You don't get that same authentic flavor. You don't get that ambiance of Metro Manila, the courtesy of the workers. You don't see the pictures of Aga Mulach and you don't get the feeling of, "Hey this is where I belong." So we sat at Jolibee and I relished in the consumption of Macupuno Ube? (It was similar to Halo-Halo) We all sat in the booth and laughed because of Mike's miscommunication about leche with the cashier. Then my brothers told me to prepare myself for our gimic that same night.
Later that evening Kuya Che's, best friend, Joel, picked us up from La Vista and we went to Makati to meet Ate Lisha, Ate Tanya, and their two cousins at this bar called Attica. When we entered Attica, I was given a taste of the night life in Metro Manila. We went up to the second floor and they had this lounge and then we all just had drinks outside on the balcony. On the balcony, you could see the traffic of Metro Manila and hear all the honking of horns and really just appreciate the difference of Manila from other cities. It was like you would see all these narrow roads and worn out buildings and then there would be all these pockets of modern, sheek bars, clubs, and restos. Whether you disapprove of the integration of poverty and modern development, you can't help but appreciate Manila for what it is. Ate Lish and the gang arrived and we hung out at Attica for a while and got acquainted with her cousins, had a few drinks, and went to another bar, called Fiamma. This place was freakin' koo! They played all this house and it was a two-story building that looked like a two-story, really modern-looking, house. The first floor was really wide and big and there were a lot of people but you weren't like squeezed in. Then towards the left of the bar/club, there were all these small parties of people and you could order and drink with your friends there. On the second floor, there was a dance floor, but our group just hung out downstairs. The night was filled with lots of picture-taking, drinking, and eating of some of the best quesedillas ever, paid for by Ate Tan :)
November 9, 2008- The Debut of Kristin A. Militante
Alright I'm getting a little tired now, but I give you the highlights of the Debut. My brother MC-eed and put his American flava on the whole event. We arrived there early and I was greeted by Tin's friends and all of us guys were in a white tees because it was too hot to put on our suits, and it was so weird cuz I felt this odd sense of comfort by the fact that the knights looked and dressed like me. They even thought that I was from the Philippines even though I spoke with my American accent. In the states, there's a mix of so many cultures, and even the Filipinos here come from all parts of the Philippines, and it just felt really koo to feel like you belonged somewhere, and it was even cooler that even though I'm from America, I fit so well with Tin's barkada in Manila. Well anyway back to the highlights. Tin entered by coming down the stairs and she was so beautiful and lady-like in her big, pink dress. Everyone was left breatheless. She had this little sitting area on the stage and that's where everything commenced from. There were slideshows and all this really good food and Tita Myr and Uncle Dong had wonderful speeches. Tita Myr's speech was really heart-wrenching because she's a really good writer and she knows how to convey her thoughts and she kept talking about how the birth of Tin was really a miracle; because Tita Myr had Tin at the age of 43 and it really reminded me of Elizabeth, Mary's cousin or sister, and how everyone said she was barren and yeah. And then she talked about how all her daughter's dreams were coming true and one part of her speech that stuck out was how she talked about how she wished that Tin could hear what's in her mind and heart because it was so hard to express in words how she felt. Then Uncle Dong's speech was really memorable because in his speech, he really underscored how much Tin meant to the family and how proud he was of Tin. Then it was time for Mark's performance with Tin and it was so cool cuz while Mark was singing, "Where's the Girl?" Tin was making this dramatic flee from him and in a nutshell, it was a real crowd-pleaser. It was such a grand, grand event. Then my brother interviewed the 18 knights and we got to Tin and her friends a little better and we got introduced to all the past and present love interests of Tin. It was really lots of fun. At the end of the debut there was time for a little dancing, but during that time I was acquainted with many of Tin's girlfriends, :) It was really koo cuz I felt like I was welcomed there and we all made plans to hang out again and facebook each other, :)
Honestly, the debut was a great introduction to the course of the trip. I see Tin as a lady with this bright future, and I was just awe-struck at her growth and maturity just in the past few years. Also, I felt really comfortable being with a younger crowd, with people my age. Tin's debut made me realize how crucial this time in my life is, and how there's so much potential for the future, for a future career abroad. I just have to remember that I do have a future and stay focused and appreciative of all the things that I have in this present moment.
the hardest part ed. I Hate This Part
right now it is 3:07 am in the States and 7:07 pm in the Philippines and I just awoke from my 9-hour slumber after landing at 1:35pm, Sunday, November 16, which is 5:35 am, Monday, November 17. I guess I'm so obsessed with this concept of time in this blog because I want to underscore the affects of a double-consciousness of culture in my life. Though I was raised here in the U.S., I have acquired this sense of transnationalism through my visits to the Philippines and the transnational mentalities of my Pilipino parents. Furthermore, my purpose in keeping track of the dates and times of this present moment is to compensate for the void of my accounts during my actual trip. I know I lose some sort of authority for I am writing about my trip after returning to the States, but at least it's better than having all these thoughts trapped in my head. Alright so I just wanted to note this. I was trying to come up with a title for my blog and I was inspired by that new single from the Pussycat Dolls. I know it sounds really weird because it's from the Pussycat Dolls, but I remember sitting in on the couch in my Tita Myr's basement, watching MTV Philippines, and this video came out and it was sooo sick and Nicole looked so fine and she's like apart of the Philippines with all her ads and stuff and concerts in Manila. Then when I was at the Incheon Airport, I found myself humming "I hate this part right here" cuz I hate leaving the Philippines and comin' back here. However, when I tried to think of the title I thought it was the hardest part, but it's supposed to be I Hate This Part.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
mark the day
today, well i guess yesterday, marks the day of change, and I am not going to talk about the politics of Barack Obama's victory for I am ignorant of many things, but I want to express the significance of his idea of "change" for me. I don't know...I just feel like in spite of all my flaws and insecurities and doubts and shortcomings I just feel like my heart will not give up, my heart will not give up. No matter how many times I get frustrated about my alienation from people and society, I ultimately remember that compassion in this world goes along way and my life will not prosper if I continue an unwillingness to make the effort to change. I am so tired of lingering on the past and being a man of mere words. I just want to take action in my thoughts and see my life changed. I want to let Him take over and just purge me of all my sinfulness and and selfishness and use me to make change. I can make a change, you can make change, and most certainly, we can make a change together!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
yes we can
I don't know much about politics, but this song makes me feel like there's hope after all. Thank you Lord for my life and I pray that the future burns bright for our nation.
Monday, October 27, 2008
What a great feat!
At 11:46pm, October 27. 2008, I finished Wurthering Heights by Emily Bronte. I've never read anything like it. It awakened parts of my soul that I never knew existed. The imagery in this novel was crrazzzzyyyyy! I'll never serve the book justice with an in-depth commentary, but I shall affirm that I was moved by the novel. I think this is the beginning of a new love for classic novels! ARRRGGG, MATEY! :)
Thursday, October 16, 2008
slowin it down...
I went to daily mass on Monday and Fr. John Francis emphasized that we need to take care of our bodies, so that we can think attentively and with vigilance. His message really got me thinking about how I take care of not only myself, but also of living things around me.
I had these two gold fishes and I fed them a couple of times. I think I changed their tank once, and I just basically left them to die. At first, I thought to myself they're just gold fishes, but they're a reflection of how I treat living things. I feel like I have the stereotypical mentality of a college kid who just goes through the motions of daily life, being pulled from here to there, and I end up just getting caught up in things and numb to everything and everyone around me. I feel like so many times in my life, I just live the day with such indifference and restlessness. Actually, with my extreme personality I'm on top of the world one minute and I burn out like a fuse the next, and I feel like these days I'm just bursting with life, but if I don't take care of my life, or of the lives of those around me, then all my hopes and desires are worthless.
You know how comic collectors, or like action-figure collectors, try to keep their possessions in "mint" conditions so that they can increase the value. Well, I want to keep my life in its best condition, and nurture my body and soul, to have some value in it. I know God has blessed me with life and no matter how good or bad life is, I MUST push forward! AJA, AJA! TIRA, TIRA! SI SE PUEDE!
I had these two gold fishes and I fed them a couple of times. I think I changed their tank once, and I just basically left them to die. At first, I thought to myself they're just gold fishes, but they're a reflection of how I treat living things. I feel like I have the stereotypical mentality of a college kid who just goes through the motions of daily life, being pulled from here to there, and I end up just getting caught up in things and numb to everything and everyone around me. I feel like so many times in my life, I just live the day with such indifference and restlessness. Actually, with my extreme personality I'm on top of the world one minute and I burn out like a fuse the next, and I feel like these days I'm just bursting with life, but if I don't take care of my life, or of the lives of those around me, then all my hopes and desires are worthless.
You know how comic collectors, or like action-figure collectors, try to keep their possessions in "mint" conditions so that they can increase the value. Well, I want to keep my life in its best condition, and nurture my body and soul, to have some value in it. I know God has blessed me with life and no matter how good or bad life is, I MUST push forward! AJA, AJA! TIRA, TIRA! SI SE PUEDE!
Sunday, October 5, 2008
back to square 1
uhhhhhh....it seems like I can never escape discontent. Right when I think I got it all figured, I just retard into my insecure self. At work today, I realized that although I'd like to live in a Christian bubble, there is a whole world of corruption and selfishness that will eat me alive if I don't play by the rules, but I'm just trying to find strength in Christ and stand strong in this world. It's so weird cuz there are so many times when I feel like my heart can lift up the whole world up and change the situation, but things just bring me down. Errggg. It's so frustrating because I really give into my idealistic self and I delsuion myself into thinking that I can really make a change with the love I feel for the world, but I become weak to the disappointments of life and people. As a result, I'm left back at square one, ineffecient and idol. I pray to God that the heart he's blessed me with enables me to do His will and change the world for His glory. I know he's blessed me with compassion for a reason, and I pray that I find strength in Him and cease from being discouraged by the world.
I'm tired of being prideful and compromising myself for the approval of others. I just want to stay true to myself, and I want to remind myself that God is truth and if I have God with me then the truth in my life will shine through and overcome the deception of this world. I know I am very much part of the deception, selfishness, and pride of the world, and I pray that I rid myself of all these things and let my compassion for people overcome all my selfishness. I do not know how feasible this is, for I admit that my sinfulness can get the best of me, but I just pray...I pray to trust and God and through Him I hope to trust in myself.
I'm tired of being prideful and compromising myself for the approval of others. I just want to stay true to myself, and I want to remind myself that God is truth and if I have God with me then the truth in my life will shine through and overcome the deception of this world. I know I am very much part of the deception, selfishness, and pride of the world, and I pray that I rid myself of all these things and let my compassion for people overcome all my selfishness. I do not know how feasible this is, for I admit that my sinfulness can get the best of me, but I just pray...I pray to trust and God and through Him I hope to trust in myself.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
oh man, what a life
so i'm currently reading Things Fall Apart, by Chinua Achebe, and my professor for the class tried to encourage us to get in the mindset of the time and place of the novel. He challenged us to think with a global perspective and avoid falling into preconceived notions.
i feel so foolish because I kept reading the novel and all I could hear was the incessant comments of classmates who kept talking about how the story was so admirable because it reminded of hard-work and how Americans love hard work and the American Dream and I was just like damn...why do some people think all about America. I know it's a bold statement to say, but that's just how I felt. I know it's wrong to say, but I'm really just venting.
My point is that I wasn't getting into the voice of the speaker, so I tried to immerse myself in the time and place. This is where the sad part comes. I try to immerse myself in the time and place by listening to music, and I immediately search the Lion King in Imeem, and I was quite disappointed in myself even though I love that song, "The Circle of Life". I realize how media, and the tales I grew up with as a child, have molded me into a fabricated perceiver who has a romanticized perception of life, and I've been so darn irritated with all this romanticized writing that I just disappointed myself, so now I will go back to my reading. I WILL READ WITH THE VOICES OF THE SPEAKER IN MIND! Oh one last thing that kind of helped me was that I searchd African Music and I came across some songs with some really nice rhythms and beats. Then, I came across this one track that was a modern rap song with Jay-Z and it was called "Cuz I'm African," the artist listed is Wale? I don't know if this is even an African artist but it's a tight song!!!! :)
i feel so foolish because I kept reading the novel and all I could hear was the incessant comments of classmates who kept talking about how the story was so admirable because it reminded of hard-work and how Americans love hard work and the American Dream and I was just like damn...why do some people think all about America. I know it's a bold statement to say, but that's just how I felt. I know it's wrong to say, but I'm really just venting.
My point is that I wasn't getting into the voice of the speaker, so I tried to immerse myself in the time and place. This is where the sad part comes. I try to immerse myself in the time and place by listening to music, and I immediately search the Lion King in Imeem, and I was quite disappointed in myself even though I love that song, "The Circle of Life". I realize how media, and the tales I grew up with as a child, have molded me into a fabricated perceiver who has a romanticized perception of life, and I've been so darn irritated with all this romanticized writing that I just disappointed myself, so now I will go back to my reading. I WILL READ WITH THE VOICES OF THE SPEAKER IN MIND! Oh one last thing that kind of helped me was that I searchd African Music and I came across some songs with some really nice rhythms and beats. Then, I came across this one track that was a modern rap song with Jay-Z and it was called "Cuz I'm African," the artist listed is Wale? I don't know if this is even an African artist but it's a tight song!!!! :)
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
study nights
I LOVE STUDYIN' WID MY BIG AT GATEWAY!!! I feel so refreshed! I wish I could feel like this always at school! :)
Saturday, September 27, 2008
testimony #1
9/27/08
sooo...Hyung asked me to write a testimony, and I've been too lazy to really sit myself down and write something. Though this blog is public, I find more privacy in writing on this blog than composing a document on my parent's pc. I must watch what I do in my parent's home because they monitor everything, or I guess they try to. Anyway, back to the task at hand.
In bible study today, I felt like the message was that man was made in the image and likeness of Christ, therefore man has a purpose. Every flaw and talent we have was made for a purpose, God's purpose. When I related the story of man's creation to my life, I was given a new sense of hope. I feel like to the secular world I'm just a big screw up. I feel like I don't fit in and I'm consistently alienated from the world and people around me because of my idealistic character. I haven't felt like this in a long time, but these days I feel so incompetent. I'm so tired of people scolding me for not being able to do simple tasks or for not thinking ahead. I'm so sensitive that I am plagued with this really really dark guilty feeling every time I mess up, and I have trouble pushing forward. I feel like this is why I want to be a teacher so bad. I know how it feels to be constantly yelled at and constantly reminded that you're a screw up. I've been taught the ways of the world through other people and through my own experiences. I feel like I'm one of the slowest learners in the world, but that only gives me more patience to teach others.
I suppose my point is in all of this is that in spite of all my sin and all my flaws, I know that God has created me in this way for a reason. I feel like every detail of my life can be used to glorify Him, but the thing is sometimes I choose to ignore what He's saying, or sometimes I'm just ignorant to His voice. Every night I go to sleep, I reflect on my life and I think about all my hopes and aspirations, and I just feel something deep within my heart that keeps believing that God wants me to do something great in this world. I feel like God's blessed me with a big heart and, if one day, I see His vision clearly, I can really move the world for His glory.
I was so uplifted by the word today. The secular world might not see the value in me, but I know in my heart that God created me for a bigger purpose that this world might not understand. I do not fully understand what God has in store for me, but I am sure of this...no matter how small we are in comparison to God's omniscient presence, the creation of our lives was not an accident. I am not an accident.
sooo...Hyung asked me to write a testimony, and I've been too lazy to really sit myself down and write something. Though this blog is public, I find more privacy in writing on this blog than composing a document on my parent's pc. I must watch what I do in my parent's home because they monitor everything, or I guess they try to. Anyway, back to the task at hand.
In bible study today, I felt like the message was that man was made in the image and likeness of Christ, therefore man has a purpose. Every flaw and talent we have was made for a purpose, God's purpose. When I related the story of man's creation to my life, I was given a new sense of hope. I feel like to the secular world I'm just a big screw up. I feel like I don't fit in and I'm consistently alienated from the world and people around me because of my idealistic character. I haven't felt like this in a long time, but these days I feel so incompetent. I'm so tired of people scolding me for not being able to do simple tasks or for not thinking ahead. I'm so sensitive that I am plagued with this really really dark guilty feeling every time I mess up, and I have trouble pushing forward. I feel like this is why I want to be a teacher so bad. I know how it feels to be constantly yelled at and constantly reminded that you're a screw up. I've been taught the ways of the world through other people and through my own experiences. I feel like I'm one of the slowest learners in the world, but that only gives me more patience to teach others.
I suppose my point is in all of this is that in spite of all my sin and all my flaws, I know that God has created me in this way for a reason. I feel like every detail of my life can be used to glorify Him, but the thing is sometimes I choose to ignore what He's saying, or sometimes I'm just ignorant to His voice. Every night I go to sleep, I reflect on my life and I think about all my hopes and aspirations, and I just feel something deep within my heart that keeps believing that God wants me to do something great in this world. I feel like God's blessed me with a big heart and, if one day, I see His vision clearly, I can really move the world for His glory.
I was so uplifted by the word today. The secular world might not see the value in me, but I know in my heart that God created me for a bigger purpose that this world might not understand. I do not fully understand what God has in store for me, but I am sure of this...no matter how small we are in comparison to God's omniscient presence, the creation of our lives was not an accident. I am not an accident.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
back to life
Today/yesterday marks my last day as a full-time worker at Maroo. The constant faces of regular customers, incessant shouting from fatigued waiters and waitresses, endless words of encouragement from MJ, and priceless gifts from my tongsang, Joseph, will no longer exist. Instead, the fickle characters of peers, inconsistent praises and criticisms from instructors, alienation from those around me, and splinters of uncertainty will consume me.
The routine of long summer nights are gone. It's time for a reality check. Life does not stop at Maroo nor does it end with school. My whole life is ahead of me, God willing, so what I am complaining about?
The routine of long summer nights are gone. It's time for a reality check. Life does not stop at Maroo nor does it end with school. My whole life is ahead of me, God willing, so what I am complaining about?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
wow!! :0
I LOVE CHARICE PEMPENGCO! I'm gonna send that letter to Oprah, fo shizzy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_R_3xa5hoQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_R_3xa5hoQ
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
summer blues
I don't know what I'm feeling these days. I guess the only way to describe it is the blues. I'm anxious but also dreading the start of the new quarter, and I'm just waiting for some change in my life. At the beginning of each school year, I think that some dramatic change has occurred deep within myself, but my actions seem to tell me otherwise. I just feel so disassociated to everything and so unsure of everything, and I feel like the transition from life at home in the valley to life at school in Irvine is forcing me to wake up from all the haze. I'm just worried that I'll leave the haze of the valley, and enter a stony jadedness in Irvine. Maybe I'm being too dramatic about everything and I'm just a lazy ass who wants to avoid all the stresses that school brings, LOL!
All of these thoughts really make me wonder, "What would life be like with a group of real chingoos?"
I really like that song "Chasing Pavements" by Adele, very soothing...
All of these thoughts really make me wonder, "What would life be like with a group of real chingoos?"
I really like that song "Chasing Pavements" by Adele, very soothing...
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
I'm a newb, woohoo!
Wow I never thought that blogging could be so fun! I don't know if this is how people normally blog , or what blogging even means, but I like it! :) Maybe I should check the definition of, "blog". Just one moment please...so wiki describes, "A blog (a contraction of the term "Web log") is a Web site, usually maintained by an individual [1], with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video." Perhaps I should start my blogs by providing some worthy commentary, then later on I shall provide descriptions of some events, and then maybe I shall provide a visual aid (like a picture because I'm not computer savy) for people who view this blog.
Let's begin with my "worthy commentary". I would like to comment on me and Carol's exploration on the world of human evolution. Carol is my dear friend that introduced me to the blogspot, and I am going to take this time to share an account of our early exploration on the world of evolution. In the midst of sharing this account, maybe I can complete some sort of testimony for my bible study teacher, Peter, who sparked this discussion about evolution. I will give you some background information about the situation they got me facing. (btw that Coolio song is my favorite song to sing at karaoke, well actually that comes in second to Blackstreet's "No Diggity".)
Earlier this summer, I decided to study the bible with Peter, my Hyung from Maroo. Maroo is the restaurant I work at, but my relationship with Maroo is an extraordinary one. Basically, Maroo has been my life this summer. Any time I talk to anyone, Maroo always comes up because I'm so attached to all the people that and eat there. MAROO IS MY LOVE, the girlfriend that I've always dreamt of. Anyway, back to the story.
So after many arguments with my father, I continued to study the bible with Peter. A few weeks ago we came across the story of Creation in Genesis: 1. After reading the first part of chapter 1, Peter asked me what I thought about evolution because in the bible it tells us that man was created in the image of God. I said to Peter, "I don't know what I think about it. Maybe Adam and Eve were monkeys, who knows and who cares about what they looked like." Peter was shocked at what he heard. He rebuked me for my efforts in making both concept co-exist. He told me that I would fail in making the bible living and breathing in my life, if I did not see the bible as truth. His words got me thinking about what I believed in. I felt that everyone who attended the university just accepted everyone's theories about evolution. After bible study, I called my dear friend Carol.
I shared my bible study about genesis with her, and I asked her if we could both conduct some independent research about human evolution and share our findings over an intelligent discussion. After many weeks of procrastination, on my part, we finally met to talk about human evolution. Truthfully, we didn't really research too much, but it was a start to a deep exploration of this debated theory. After reading some stuff on wiki, and watching clips of some documentary, I started to question the validity of the evolutionary theory, but I also challenged my faith in the bible. In the documentary we watched, provided by this human evolutionary site, called becoming human, (http://www.becominghuman.org/) paleontologists talked about their findings of such fossils like Lucy. The video went on to tell us that human DNA shared 98% of DNA from chimpanzees, but the commentator assured us that we did not evolve from chimps, and that we actually shared a common ancestor that was some form of Homo Erectus, I think, or maybe the video just segwayed into homo erectus. It made me think that maybe all these fossils that they found were just different forms of primates but they weren't really human. Maybe they were homo erectus, but that doesn't mean that they were the humans that God created. On the other hand, the video made me think that maybe Adam and Eve were some sort of Homo Erectus because, according to the video, homo erectus had a big enough brain to think for himself and form cultures, so I don't really know what to believe. I guess everything just takes faith, and I've come to the realization that I do have faith in God and I trust in him, but I don't want to just brush things off and just accept aspects of my faith just because some people in the church side with a specific view.
I will conclude this blog at another time. I'm getting sleepy, and I need to wake up early tomorrow cuz it be my day off, yo, got to maximize my time! :)
Let's begin with my "worthy commentary". I would like to comment on me and Carol's exploration on the world of human evolution. Carol is my dear friend that introduced me to the blogspot, and I am going to take this time to share an account of our early exploration on the world of evolution. In the midst of sharing this account, maybe I can complete some sort of testimony for my bible study teacher, Peter, who sparked this discussion about evolution. I will give you some background information about the situation they got me facing. (btw that Coolio song is my favorite song to sing at karaoke, well actually that comes in second to Blackstreet's "No Diggity".)
Earlier this summer, I decided to study the bible with Peter, my Hyung from Maroo. Maroo is the restaurant I work at, but my relationship with Maroo is an extraordinary one. Basically, Maroo has been my life this summer. Any time I talk to anyone, Maroo always comes up because I'm so attached to all the people that and eat there. MAROO IS MY LOVE, the girlfriend that I've always dreamt of. Anyway, back to the story.
So after many arguments with my father, I continued to study the bible with Peter. A few weeks ago we came across the story of Creation in Genesis: 1. After reading the first part of chapter 1, Peter asked me what I thought about evolution because in the bible it tells us that man was created in the image of God. I said to Peter, "I don't know what I think about it. Maybe Adam and Eve were monkeys, who knows and who cares about what they looked like." Peter was shocked at what he heard. He rebuked me for my efforts in making both concept co-exist. He told me that I would fail in making the bible living and breathing in my life, if I did not see the bible as truth. His words got me thinking about what I believed in. I felt that everyone who attended the university just accepted everyone's theories about evolution. After bible study, I called my dear friend Carol.
I shared my bible study about genesis with her, and I asked her if we could both conduct some independent research about human evolution and share our findings over an intelligent discussion. After many weeks of procrastination, on my part, we finally met to talk about human evolution. Truthfully, we didn't really research too much, but it was a start to a deep exploration of this debated theory. After reading some stuff on wiki, and watching clips of some documentary, I started to question the validity of the evolutionary theory, but I also challenged my faith in the bible. In the documentary we watched, provided by this human evolutionary site, called becoming human, (http://www.becominghuman.org/) paleontologists talked about their findings of such fossils like Lucy. The video went on to tell us that human DNA shared 98% of DNA from chimpanzees, but the commentator assured us that we did not evolve from chimps, and that we actually shared a common ancestor that was some form of Homo Erectus, I think, or maybe the video just segwayed into homo erectus. It made me think that maybe all these fossils that they found were just different forms of primates but they weren't really human. Maybe they were homo erectus, but that doesn't mean that they were the humans that God created. On the other hand, the video made me think that maybe Adam and Eve were some sort of Homo Erectus because, according to the video, homo erectus had a big enough brain to think for himself and form cultures, so I don't really know what to believe. I guess everything just takes faith, and I've come to the realization that I do have faith in God and I trust in him, but I don't want to just brush things off and just accept aspects of my faith just because some people in the church side with a specific view.
I will conclude this blog at another time. I'm getting sleepy, and I need to wake up early tomorrow cuz it be my day off, yo, got to maximize my time! :)
ooo the world of blogging
My friend, Carol Kim, motivated me to create a life for myself through the use of technology. It all started with the many worries I had about my bill payments for my new apartment. Since I was in L.A. the whole summer, I trusted the leasing office to take care of the new updates for my utility bill. However, Carol informed me that Leasing Centers are shady and that they should not be trusted. Thus, I decided to be pro-active about the matter, and I took matters into my own hands by registering online for my bill payments. My reconnection with the wonders of the worldwide web reminded me of my desire to start blogging and to keep my thoughts on record, so HERE I AM WORLD, yeeeeheeee! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)