back and forth, back and forth

ah. the wheels keep spinning and i get nowhere, but i still keep pushing on the gas hoping to get out. i have all these dreams in my head. i talk about them, but i fail to act upon them. i say i'm not gonna let my temper get the best of me, but i continue to yell. i tell myself that i'm going to wake up and the next day will different, but in the end it's all the same. i wake up optimistic but my interactions with the outside world continue to bring me down. my feet are on the ground and im focused ready to work but i'm shackled down by things that i cannot control. i have good intentions but actions don't show it. im just tired of not understanding and being misunderstood.

I take a step back from all the failures and remind myself that God created me with a purpose; despite my shortcomings I still have a purpose. I might not have all the answers about my future, and I'm far from where I want to be, but His spirit is working its way in my life and through Him I will overcome life's adversities. No matter what sacrifices I must make, nothing compares to God's ultimate sacrifice, to send His only begotten son for us. Jesus is my HERO. He is my hope for a brighter future, he is my strength.

Man, "Thankful" by Josh Groban is an awesome song.

christmas :)

Christmas only comes once a year, but I need to remember "Emmanuel," God is with us always.

christmas time

so this christmas is really weird because I feel like time is going by so fast, and with work and all, i feel like the holiday just came so fast. it's like since everyone's been working, the days before christmas aren't as cheerful. i miss the feeling of anticipation. since time is passing so quickly, it's like I kind of get depressed that I've accomplished nothing since last christmas. i always try to evalute my self-growth during this time of the year, and every year i delude myself into thinking that I've changed for the better, and this year i feel like i am in a better place than last year, but it's like i kind of face the same obstacles. this whole case doesn't seem to be going away any time soon and it's almost been a whole year since that happend. i still feel so weak. i still get so angry, so quickly. i still get really nervous and awkward, and i have yet to maintain my self-confidence.

i feel extra nostalgic this christmas season because I feel like in my walk with God, I should feel like my heart is pouring out for His love, but it's not. I have a yearning to have Him with me, and I feel like he is in my life, but with all the crap that's going on in my head, and all the things that I value in this secure world, I cannot just let all my sin go and just be filled with Him which doesn't make me feel nostalgic but it just angers me and frustrates me that I'm so caught up in this world, AHHHH! hafioewhiohwiohowh! Sometimes when I feel so filled with God's love I feel like I can move mountains, but I realize that my childish faith cannot overcome the powers of this world; i cannot overcome my weakness to sin, my weakness to rid myself of these worldly values.

i'm so freakin' emo, haha. i pray that tomorrow i feel the christmas spirit and am empowered by His existence in my life. I LOVE YOU JESUS, I really do! :)

oh life outside the US

today i had a nice talk with a customer representative from one of the dell call centers in makati, philippines :)