testimony for 2008

I apologize for any grammatical errors in this testimony. I hope to speak freely and avoid concerning myself with how appropriately I use the English language.

Alright, so Hyung asked me to look at Ecclesiastes 12:2, but I only have the New American Bible at home so I'm not sure if this verse is the same in the NIV, but this is what Ecclesiastes 12:1-2 proclaims, "Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come And the years approach of which you will say, I have no pleasure in them; Before the sun is darkened, and the light, and the moon, and the stars, while the clouds return after the rain."

Solomon's message in these verses is that we must remember the Creator in our youth and not let life pass us by without having God in our life. Peter Hyung said that for many people they meet God at a late age, and he's so adamant about having me meet God in my youth. This is the exact question I want to ask myself: In all of my sinfulness and shortcomings, have I truly met God? I want to say YES I HAVE MET GOD, but instead of shouting it out to the world, I want to say yes (in a soft voice) because I feel like this is just the beginning of my journey with me. I can honestly say that I feel like I have met God, but I cannot say that I really, really know Him and His will.

Ah, it's just so hard because I feel like if I proclaim His name and really say "YES I HAVE MET LORD, JESUS, OUR MIGHTY SAVIOR," I have to live up to my proclamation. I feel like using God's name carries such weight and omniscient power and I do not want to devalue His name or dishonor His name by confusing the way I feel for Truth. Does that make sense? I just don't want to affirm that I have met Jesus because I want to show the world who He really is through me and I feel like at this point in my life if I make such an assertion, I have to show the world that He is working in my life. While I feel like I'm on the right path, I have only begun my journey and walk with God.

So I reflect upon this year, and I can truly say that my faith in God has grown. There's no ifs, buts, or maybes in this assertion. I really have grown in my faith. Through bible study, prayer, and a conscious effort to live my daily life with God, I can proudly say that I have grown in my faith. I falter so many times and give into temptation. I let my anger get the best of me, and I think selfishly, but in the end, I feel like in the midst of all of my failures and all my frustrations and all my sinfulness, I come back to Jesus and I feel like everyday He has saved me. He has saved me from my enemies. He has saved from my failures. He has saved from my sinfulness. I guess of all this so abstract, but I feel like I'm experiencing this peace in my life that I've never experienced before, and even though I find shortcomings in my life and I selfishly desire for certain things, I've acquired a genuine humility in the presence God that gives me peace, peace in knowing that God, this omniscient Creator of my life, is working in my life and He really is preparing for something that is bigger than myself, and bigger than my comprehension.

In reference to Ecclesiastes 12, I want to focus on the keyword here which is CREATOR. God is not only my Hero, the Almighty Savior, who sent His only begotten Son to save the world from sin -the Light that leads me in the midst of darkness, the Father who exhibits unconditional love, the Ultimate Teacher in my life, the Friend that lifts me up when the world has turned on me, the Love that compels men to be extraordinary- but he is also the CREATOR of my life, of the earth, of the universe. I think this is so fitting for young people because often we become so self-absorbed in our lives and we begun to abuse our abundant lives and we ignore the Lord as our Creator.

There was a time in my life when I felt like I was my own creator. I made my own destiny. If I just put my mind to it, I could overcome anything. I thought I was invincible and I created a world for myself where the were no limits to my desires. If I wanted to drink, I'd drink. If I wanted to party and hangout with my friends I'd go without any inhibition. Just thinking about myself and I felt like I owed it to myself to be selfish. In my life, I felt like the goodness that I had in my heart was a sign of weakness, compassion was a weakness. Being called nice was an insult because people saw me as such a feeble character and they would walk all over me, so I tried to change that by being completely self-absorbed and valuing the secular life of my friends. I was so caught up in wanting to be accepted and respected in this world that I went to extreme lengths to change myself. I used alcohol as a means to change my personality and mood to show people that I had different sides to my "good" image, and now that I look back on it, I didn't gain anything from that. Those first years in college when I was constantly drunk was just a waste of my life I feel. I don't think drinking is bad, but the way that I was drinking and the purpose that I had in drinking was completely wrong.

Now I that I think about what happened to me with the whole DUI case, I just feel like it was truly God calling out to me and telling me to WAKE UP! I was so self-absorbed and I thought that nothing could touch me and that things just always seemed to work out in my life and I think this experience was so traumatizing for me because it made me realize how infinitesimal and puny my existence is in this world. I mean in the blink of an eye my world was turned upside down. I mean I was seen as the pride and joy of my parents, the one kid who could do no wrong, and it's really funny because I always felt like my parents embraced my compassion and my desire to help the world and that whole part of me that I hated so much, they loved, and that part of me that I wanted to change so much, they embraced. Ironically, the people that supported me no matter what, who always showed me unconditional love, were so hurt in my betrayal of their trust and my sinful ways that I kept from them for so long that they cannot bare to look at me in the same light. I know this is all pretty abstract, but I basically feel like this whole experience with the law is an earthly reflection of God's omniscient power as the Creator, and I feel like He really used the law to protect me from all the things that were hindering from seeing Him in my life. For instance, like the car that was given to my by parents. I would drive all the time and like go from here to there without really thinking of anything or anyone else. I would pay for gas by the credit card that my parents paid for and I would let people drive my car, and look at the consequences I have to face. My license is suspended for a year and I my car was driven into a ditch because I let someone else drive my car and I was stupid enough to try to go home even though me and my friend were both intoxicated. And obviously I don't go out and drink all the time anymore because I go into this whole mess for under-age drinking and driving under the influence and I mean thank God that nobody else and hurt and that no matter how horrid the experience me that we got out of everything safely. Okay so I'm really gonna try to stay focused here and think about what I'm trying say umm....

In my youth, I feel like this verse of Ecclesiastes is so fitting because I really need to remember that God is the Creator, and He is the owner of my life and everything in my life comes from Him and every decision I make should be for the Creator, and I look back on this experience, I look back on this year and I can remember how weak and helpless I felt and I see the evil consequences that can occur if I choose to live a life in my own selfishness. And I need to remember that everything in my life, everything that I am is not because of my will, but His, and I feel like God is in my life and that He is a big enough part of my life that He will not allow anything that is not of Him to prosper in my life. Does that make sense? So I am blessed to have this much of God in my life, and even when I am lost, He makes it a point to push me in the right direction and this crucial moment in my life is a reflection of this, and I honestly don't know where I'm supposed to go from this point forward. And it's so crazy to think that these years of youth are the most pivotal times in my life, and that the man that I'm gonna be in five years is going to be so different and so much more, I hope, than anything I've ever been. I guess what I'm trying say is that it's time for me to let Jesus take the wheel, especially now, because who I am in the next five, ten years is pretty much who I want to be for the rest of my life and I mean , I'm growing up and I'm reaching the end of my adolescence and I need to stop trying to find myself through the world and find myself through Him. I don't know what's gonna come of this court case, and I don't know how things will play out with honest testimonies, but I pray that no matter what happens that I never, ever lose faith in God's purpose for me, and I really leave it in His hands. Life is so much better that way! :)

One last thing though, um so I've established that there's new peace in my life that is obviously greater than anything that I could attain on my own. I mean it's a peace that is from God because there is no way that in my fleshly body that I could overcome daily situations with such peace of mind without the Lord. So I know He's working in my life, but I feel like there's so much potential in my future and that I could really go a million directions, but I feel so lost in which direction I should go, and I tainted by this ideal that if I dream big and if I put in the work and I make things happen that it will happen for me, but the problem with this ideal is that I start to rashly act upon my own desires and I need to act courageously with God and stop attempting to act courageously on my own and stop comparing myself to the world around me. Now is the time, but I don't know which way to go, and I need to really to take the time to really listen to what God has in store for me. I don't know if God wants me to go to the Philippines and help the country through my studies and volunteer work, or use my influence as a model to spread the good news. I don't know if He really wants me to teach English in Korea. I'm kind of just putting the pieces in my life together like because I'm English major and because there will be opportunities abroad for me and I'm interested in the Korean culture and have always felt a connection to Korean people, I feel like I'm being called to teach there, but I've never really taken the time to ask God. Similarly, with the Philippines like I've had this burning desire to gain a sense of identity and help my native country and use my blessings to help people and I feel like I could make the biggest in the difference in the Philippines. And I feel like with the whole modeling thing it's like I would never even think twice about realistically going in that direction, but it's like it's always been a desire in the back of my head that I was too embarrassed to openly talk about with people and I don't know what this stroke of luck of this model agent who saw me open the door for my mom is supposed to be some sort of sign that I can, and I'm supposed to impact people in this way, I don't know. I honestly don't know and I probably really stupid in just thinking these things, but at least now in my life I'm starting to thinking about my vocation in terms of what God has planned for me. When I think about my future, I see myself doing what God has planned for me, and although I don't know exactly what that is, it's like I know that He is going to use me for something bigger than myself, and something that will make an impact in this world, and I promise that I will do my best to open my eyes to His will and to stay God-centered in the rest of my life.