testimony #1

9/27/08

sooo...Hyung asked me to write a testimony, and I've been too lazy to really sit myself down and write something. Though this blog is public, I find more privacy in writing on this blog than composing a document on my parent's pc. I must watch what I do in my parent's home because they monitor everything, or I guess they try to. Anyway, back to the task at hand.

In bible study today, I felt like the message was that man was made in the image and likeness of Christ, therefore man has a purpose. Every flaw and talent we have was made for a purpose, God's purpose. When I related the story of man's creation to my life, I was given a new sense of hope. I feel like to the secular world I'm just a big screw up. I feel like I don't fit in and I'm consistently alienated from the world and people around me because of my idealistic character. I haven't felt like this in a long time, but these days I feel so incompetent. I'm so tired of people scolding me for not being able to do simple tasks or for not thinking ahead. I'm so sensitive that I am plagued with this really really dark guilty feeling every time I mess up, and I have trouble pushing forward. I feel like this is why I want to be a teacher so bad. I know how it feels to be constantly yelled at and constantly reminded that you're a screw up. I've been taught the ways of the world through other people and through my own experiences. I feel like I'm one of the slowest learners in the world, but that only gives me more patience to teach others.

I suppose my point is in all of this is that in spite of all my sin and all my flaws, I know that God has created me in this way for a reason. I feel like every detail of my life can be used to glorify Him, but the thing is sometimes I choose to ignore what He's saying, or sometimes I'm just ignorant to His voice. Every night I go to sleep, I reflect on my life and I think about all my hopes and aspirations, and I just feel something deep within my heart that keeps believing that God wants me to do something great in this world. I feel like God's blessed me with a big heart and, if one day, I see His vision clearly, I can really move the world for His glory.

I was so uplifted by the word today. The secular world might not see the value in me, but I know in my heart that God created me for a bigger purpose that this world might not understand. I do not fully understand what God has in store for me, but I am sure of this...no matter how small we are in comparison to God's omniscient presence, the creation of our lives was not an accident. I am not an accident.