christmas time

so this christmas is really weird because I feel like time is going by so fast, and with work and all, i feel like the holiday just came so fast. it's like since everyone's been working, the days before christmas aren't as cheerful. i miss the feeling of anticipation. since time is passing so quickly, it's like I kind of get depressed that I've accomplished nothing since last christmas. i always try to evalute my self-growth during this time of the year, and every year i delude myself into thinking that I've changed for the better, and this year i feel like i am in a better place than last year, but it's like i kind of face the same obstacles. this whole case doesn't seem to be going away any time soon and it's almost been a whole year since that happend. i still feel so weak. i still get so angry, so quickly. i still get really nervous and awkward, and i have yet to maintain my self-confidence.

i feel extra nostalgic this christmas season because I feel like in my walk with God, I should feel like my heart is pouring out for His love, but it's not. I have a yearning to have Him with me, and I feel like he is in my life, but with all the crap that's going on in my head, and all the things that I value in this secure world, I cannot just let all my sin go and just be filled with Him which doesn't make me feel nostalgic but it just angers me and frustrates me that I'm so caught up in this world, AHHHH! hafioewhiohwiohowh! Sometimes when I feel so filled with God's love I feel like I can move mountains, but I realize that my childish faith cannot overcome the powers of this world; i cannot overcome my weakness to sin, my weakness to rid myself of these worldly values.

i'm so freakin' emo, haha. i pray that tomorrow i feel the christmas spirit and am empowered by His existence in my life. I LOVE YOU JESUS, I really do! :)