diseased

if someone asks me to jump, i instinctively ask, "how high?" while others who respond in this light could be categorized as driven people who show promise of material success in the world, i am a feeble boy plagued with the need to please. i have this incessant, pending, ridiculous viral disease of needing to please anyone and everyone, and though i seldom succeed in pleasing the other, the course of my attempts to please is quite fascinating.

as a young lad, i was not quite aware of my disease, but my ignorance to it worked out just fine for me. i would comply to others requests/commands with no question, no thought no reason for an alternative outcome. in my high school years, my mind and body showed signs of a need to reject the disease. my need to please was replaced with resentment and coated with indignant tones. i came off as a pissy prep when i felt like people were taking advantage of me or i was being stepped over; the six-hundred pound man made appearances during these times too, but he wasn't the same romantic disney villain plaguing my broken love sick teenage heart. he was the fatty obese disgusting porky slobbery pig who would eat me alive six-hundred pound man and i was a little prick pushing to get some room to breathe.

i'm getting sleepy and cathartic, success!

to recap...so basically, when i felt like people were taking advantage of me i would react in a pissy indignant way. and people just thought i always had something stuck up my ass. i don't think i really understood why i was reacting like that, but i just did and either blamed myself or others and tried to brush it off.

once i got to college i understood the severity of my disease. i tried to rid myself of the disease only to become a little bitch to superficial friends. i tried to change but ultimately i went back to the same good old plagued pitiful pus. everything seemed to work out for me again. i was absorbed with christian ideals and romantic notions of submissive asian culture and i was good to go!

now im at a point where im always on the verge of just going off like a canon at the feel of the slightest inconvenience or rupture. it's crazy how annoyed i get. it either comes out as me bitchin or i suck it up and just act like nothing's wrong.

i got a text message that made me realize the complexities of my plagued self and text messages is a topic i will hopefully get to explore with the focal point of me in relation to them cuz talking about text messaging with universal appeal is not nearly as therapeutic.

PHILIPPINES: Here I come!!

This quarter has been really different for me. I completely absorbed myself in studies and work. I helped out in church from time to time, attended the PAHM events in support of Kababayan, gave a couple of campus tours, and just worked on me. I took a break from helping other people in a significant way. I was just kind of a nomad going from here to there, never fully being connected to anyone or anything. I think about changing the world in a big way everyday, but I rarely call my body to action. I need to make a change and I know exactly where to start.

I plan to go to Manila before I teach abroad in Korea this June. I decided to write my plans in this blog to hold me accountable. These are some tentative organizations I want to work with:

1) Dynamic Teen Company (http://dynamicteencompany.org/)
2) Gawad Kalinga
3) Operation Smile
4) UNICEF
5) Bantay Bata

700 Come Together at Outdoor Mass on UC Irvine Campus

Irvine, CA
By Matt Lapid

700 Hundred Come Together at Outdoor Mass on UC Irvine Campus

"It's time," Father John Francis, announces to the line of students, clergyman, musicians, and parishioners who will lead the opening procession of Mass on the Plaza, the biggest mass of the year at the University of California, Irvine. As I walk towards the center aisle of the outdoor pews as the escort of Ms. Shirl Giacomi, Chancellor of Archdiocese of Orange, I cannot help but feel a certain level of anxiety, not only due to the fact that I am escorting our very own chancellor of the archdiocese, but also because of the excitement and simultaneous nostalgia I experience as a participant of Mass on the Plaza in my last year at UCI and its University of Catholic Community.

The impetus of my excitement is the sight of witnessing all the efforts of my fellow brothers and sisters in the community come to life in the plaza. Every aspect of the mass from the set-up of the chairs to the lining of the various flags -representing the different ethnic groups that comprise our University Catholic Community: Mustard Seeds, Kyrie, Youth for Christ, and Liwinag- to the wide spectrum of cultural garments of hanboks, barongs, maria clara dresses, syrapas, rebazos and ao dais to the syncopated beats of the Korean and Vietnamese drummers to the melodically inspiring voices of the choir to the rhythmic tones and riffs of the band, drives my excitement for this momentous occasion. Yet this excitement is accompanied by nostalgia.

It's a feeling of nostalgia that reminds me of how fortunate I am to be part of this community as a practicing Catholic attending a large, public university like UC Irvine. With a population of over 27, 631 students who come from various creeds, backgrounds, and locations, I feel extremely blessed to practice my faith openly and freely in the outdoor engineering plaza; in an arena open for anyone to see and witness the presence of the Holy Spirit working in the minds, bodies, souls of the 700 in attendance who fill every seat and stand in every spot imaginable. At this moment, I am truly humbled by the grace of God and His wondrous deeds that shine through the presence of all those in attendance. I finally reach my seat at the very front row, and I feel my previous anxiety dissipate as we take our seats and listen to the warm welcome of Archbishop Cirilo.

After Archbishop's affectionate greeting and a welcoming from the UC Irvine's University Catholic Community, the readings of the mass are read. Underscoring the universality of the Catholic Church, the readings are recited in different languages. The first reading is recited in Korean, the second reading in Spanish, and the Gospel in English. Though the languages differ in tones, sounds, and intonations, though some may dress in a hanbok and others in a barong, though we pledge allegiance to different flags, we are connected by the same God; this is the beauty of the Catholic mass, the Universal mass. The Holy Spirit is able to transcend all barriers and speak to the souls of all, no matter what gender, race, or nationality. This universality within the community provokes me to reflect upon the overarching questions of Archbishop Cirilo's homily. Is God present in our lives, and if so, what is His role? Is He even in our lives? If He is in our lives, then how are we using our young minds to glorify God? Are we living each and everyday, thinking about His ultimate purpose for us, or are we being distracted and distanced from God through worldly distractions?

As Archbishop Cirilo concludes his homily, he encourages us to make time for the Lord and make Him a priority. In the midst of all the social and academic pressures from school, I know that we must keep our walks with God alive and continuous, and not fall in the monotony of a pedestrian life of convenience which is so easy to fall into in this secular world. All these questions and thoughts resonate and linger in my head, but then, I look at the hundreds of people coming forward so gracefully to bring God in their lives through the sacrament of communion, and I am assured that Bishop Cirilo's message will not be neglected. This gathering of people through communion with God is so extremely graceful that it leaves indelible impression for me at the conclusion of the mass.


As the mass closes, we are still so full of spirit. fueled by the fast-paced beats and bright voices of the MOTP choir, the opening lines for the recessional song, serve such a powerful response to Archbishop Cirilo's message. "I belong to You, You belong to me Lord/ I'm surrounded everywhere that I go/ I will walk with you/ You will walk with me Lord, "Ms. Giacomi and I bodly clap and along with the choir. My anxiety and pensiveness are taken over by God's confidence and presence. No matter where I am, be it at the University of California, Irvine, back home in the San Fernando Valley, the Philippines, Germany, South Africa, or the Vatican, I am confident that I belong to Him everywhere that I go. These are the declarations and praises that conclude this wondrous evening. There is no question that God is alive in my life for He has filled His presence in this very place that I stand.

alcohol...who are you, really?

time and time again, i find myself in the same position of regret and complete perplexity. i don't know why i keep this urge to get drunk, especially when im not even a "good" drunk. the good drunks are those who spread good vibes and make everyone happy with their ridiculous, yet subtle, antics. you know the kids who are drunk enough to make it a good time, but who aren't so plastered that they have their head over the toilet the whole time. i wouldn't categorize myself as the complete opposite of a good drunk, so i wouldn't say that i'm a bad drunk, but i'd be like the second level below bad, maybe i'd call it the "not so fun" drunk.

i am consistently an inconsistent drunk. i can be happy, playful, emo, violent, and obnoxious. alcohol triggers all these different sides of me that are completely reflective of my personality. i never realized it, or wanted to admit it, always trying to deny that the way i acted the other night was so far from my true self, but in all reality all these complexities and different layers are really a part of me, and i find that scary as hell. i had a talk with my roommate about this topic, and that particular day i was my optimistic, disney self, so i dissociated myself from his assertion. basically, he was saying that he and i are the types of people that can hang out with just about anyone, and we have different subgroups of friends who are a reflection of a little part of us, and he made this metaphor about the different masks we put on in front of people, as if we were putting on different acts for different audiences; it was a very similar notion to Wilde's thoughts of performance and how life is just one big performance and we're all actors who show different faces of whatever we want. well anyhow, my roommate found this revelation to be pretty terrifying. "we have all these masks, but in the end, who are we, really? isn't that fuckin scary?" because i was feeling sickeningly optimistic that day, i saw his uncertainty as a window to put his frown upside down. i simply told him that these masks are different complexities of our dynamic personalities; it just shows how versatile and rounded we are are...lol...and now that i look back on that comment, i'm just like i was completely wrong...damnit...

clean start

i just got out of the shower and i feel so fresh and so clean. i miss this feeling. the feeling of being totally edified by the small things in life, like being able to take a nice cold shower after relentlessly trying to scrub down a very smelly fridge, is crucial for a healthy life. i live like such a barbaric nomad sometimes that i forget what it feels like, i forget how good it feels, to experience balance. when i am balanced, i don't have a million thoughts running through my head, i'm not fumbling over my words or tripping over my steps because i feel a certain calmness, a feeling of fresh cleanliness void of all the stank that wreaks my life. im tired of feeling this cleanliness so seldom in my life. i want some consistency for goodness sake and i need to train and discipline myself to stay clean, literally and figuratively. i think my obsession with being clean derives from my recent experiences of having so much crap to clean up. for instance, i've had a virus on my computer for the past few days, and i recently got rid of all those Trojans with Malwarebytes Anti-Maleware and it was totally free! now that i look back on the whole situation, i really prolonged the whole problem. in my life, i tend to make things a lot harder for myself and i think it's because im just used to having difficulty with things. with this whole virus thing, i would turn on my computer and see like a billion pop-ups and get so frustrated about the slowness of my computer, and its inability to log on the internet, that i would just turn off my computer and complain to my friends. im so tired of not having things come easily that i just kind of ignore certain things... im tired i will finish this post tomorrow...hopefully i will continue this clean start

i love the feeling of brushing your teeth really thoroughly

who knew?

so i was watching thia megia's appearance on america's got talent and i was pretty impressed, but i was thinkin' she's good, but she got nothing on charice, lol. and then i saw her cover of hallelujah and was like dannnng!! after watching that, i clicked on a link of other talented filipina girls her age, and i watched some videos of jessica sanchez, the next beyonce, and jasmine villegas, the pretty mestiza. who knew there were so many young filipina talents? with all the youtube stars like aj rafael, gabe bondoc, passion, etc., i really feel a filipino invasion of artists coming. who would of thought i would see this in my lifetime?

btw i promise im not a creeper. i seem to blog a lot about young filipina singers, but it's crazy how young these kids are and how much talent they have, innsannne!

scatter brained, just one of dem days, everyday

i have always taken my age for granted. i have always been the youngest of my family, the bunso, choo, atin' bulilit. i was always excused for my absent-mindedness or inexperience because of my young age, but heck I'm 21 years of age now and still making the same foolish mistakes. i am honestly scared for myself. i am scared that this stage of being a screw up is not a stage at all, but a part of my life that will plague me. honestly, this part of my personality is getting old fast. i don't know if i can really describe the way i see myself, but i will attempt to do it in some prose, totally unstructured and scattered just like my brain...

so this is a casual day at work

uh...uh....ummm...well...
blank stares on the page blank blank blank think, Matt hurry...everyone's waiting come up with a fucken answer
well...so you want to make a left on East, no West Peltason...and then you'll want to get to this highlighted spot here,
you know that spot marked 523 that took me five minutes to locate on the back of the map, that's where you'll want to go.

i want to tell you to get LOST because that's seriously how i find my way around this place. i get lost enough times that i eventually find it. yeah that's right, it's a metaphor for my life, alright, but i don't know how much longer i can take the long road while i see all these other people passing me up as they drive through the fast lane of life. i want to help you real bad, M'am, Sir, but how can i help you if i can't help myself, damnit.

so m'am you got that make a left on West Peltason, a right at the stop sign, right at Periera Drive, and then the parking lot will be on your left. Got that sir? yes, i finally have made sense of this map, awesome, but i think it's too late...

Looks of bewilderment, too much in a rush to really care about the crappy directions, peace out home cat, a smile and a thank you, bye, bye!