CHARICE FEVER!

i just have to say, i love charice pempengco! she is freakin' amazing! i will buy a billion, trillion copies of her album when it comes out this year! i'm telling you she is gonna blow up the music charts in '09! i have sixth sense about these things! mabuhay ka, charice! :)

testimony for 2008

I apologize for any grammatical errors in this testimony. I hope to speak freely and avoid concerning myself with how appropriately I use the English language.

Alright, so Hyung asked me to look at Ecclesiastes 12:2, but I only have the New American Bible at home so I'm not sure if this verse is the same in the NIV, but this is what Ecclesiastes 12:1-2 proclaims, "Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come And the years approach of which you will say, I have no pleasure in them; Before the sun is darkened, and the light, and the moon, and the stars, while the clouds return after the rain."

Solomon's message in these verses is that we must remember the Creator in our youth and not let life pass us by without having God in our life. Peter Hyung said that for many people they meet God at a late age, and he's so adamant about having me meet God in my youth. This is the exact question I want to ask myself: In all of my sinfulness and shortcomings, have I truly met God? I want to say YES I HAVE MET GOD, but instead of shouting it out to the world, I want to say yes (in a soft voice) because I feel like this is just the beginning of my journey with me. I can honestly say that I feel like I have met God, but I cannot say that I really, really know Him and His will.

Ah, it's just so hard because I feel like if I proclaim His name and really say "YES I HAVE MET LORD, JESUS, OUR MIGHTY SAVIOR," I have to live up to my proclamation. I feel like using God's name carries such weight and omniscient power and I do not want to devalue His name or dishonor His name by confusing the way I feel for Truth. Does that make sense? I just don't want to affirm that I have met Jesus because I want to show the world who He really is through me and I feel like at this point in my life if I make such an assertion, I have to show the world that He is working in my life. While I feel like I'm on the right path, I have only begun my journey and walk with God.

So I reflect upon this year, and I can truly say that my faith in God has grown. There's no ifs, buts, or maybes in this assertion. I really have grown in my faith. Through bible study, prayer, and a conscious effort to live my daily life with God, I can proudly say that I have grown in my faith. I falter so many times and give into temptation. I let my anger get the best of me, and I think selfishly, but in the end, I feel like in the midst of all of my failures and all my frustrations and all my sinfulness, I come back to Jesus and I feel like everyday He has saved me. He has saved me from my enemies. He has saved from my failures. He has saved from my sinfulness. I guess of all this so abstract, but I feel like I'm experiencing this peace in my life that I've never experienced before, and even though I find shortcomings in my life and I selfishly desire for certain things, I've acquired a genuine humility in the presence God that gives me peace, peace in knowing that God, this omniscient Creator of my life, is working in my life and He really is preparing for something that is bigger than myself, and bigger than my comprehension.

In reference to Ecclesiastes 12, I want to focus on the keyword here which is CREATOR. God is not only my Hero, the Almighty Savior, who sent His only begotten Son to save the world from sin -the Light that leads me in the midst of darkness, the Father who exhibits unconditional love, the Ultimate Teacher in my life, the Friend that lifts me up when the world has turned on me, the Love that compels men to be extraordinary- but he is also the CREATOR of my life, of the earth, of the universe. I think this is so fitting for young people because often we become so self-absorbed in our lives and we begun to abuse our abundant lives and we ignore the Lord as our Creator.

There was a time in my life when I felt like I was my own creator. I made my own destiny. If I just put my mind to it, I could overcome anything. I thought I was invincible and I created a world for myself where the were no limits to my desires. If I wanted to drink, I'd drink. If I wanted to party and hangout with my friends I'd go without any inhibition. Just thinking about myself and I felt like I owed it to myself to be selfish. In my life, I felt like the goodness that I had in my heart was a sign of weakness, compassion was a weakness. Being called nice was an insult because people saw me as such a feeble character and they would walk all over me, so I tried to change that by being completely self-absorbed and valuing the secular life of my friends. I was so caught up in wanting to be accepted and respected in this world that I went to extreme lengths to change myself. I used alcohol as a means to change my personality and mood to show people that I had different sides to my "good" image, and now that I look back on it, I didn't gain anything from that. Those first years in college when I was constantly drunk was just a waste of my life I feel. I don't think drinking is bad, but the way that I was drinking and the purpose that I had in drinking was completely wrong.

Now I that I think about what happened to me with the whole DUI case, I just feel like it was truly God calling out to me and telling me to WAKE UP! I was so self-absorbed and I thought that nothing could touch me and that things just always seemed to work out in my life and I think this experience was so traumatizing for me because it made me realize how infinitesimal and puny my existence is in this world. I mean in the blink of an eye my world was turned upside down. I mean I was seen as the pride and joy of my parents, the one kid who could do no wrong, and it's really funny because I always felt like my parents embraced my compassion and my desire to help the world and that whole part of me that I hated so much, they loved, and that part of me that I wanted to change so much, they embraced. Ironically, the people that supported me no matter what, who always showed me unconditional love, were so hurt in my betrayal of their trust and my sinful ways that I kept from them for so long that they cannot bare to look at me in the same light. I know this is all pretty abstract, but I basically feel like this whole experience with the law is an earthly reflection of God's omniscient power as the Creator, and I feel like He really used the law to protect me from all the things that were hindering from seeing Him in my life. For instance, like the car that was given to my by parents. I would drive all the time and like go from here to there without really thinking of anything or anyone else. I would pay for gas by the credit card that my parents paid for and I would let people drive my car, and look at the consequences I have to face. My license is suspended for a year and I my car was driven into a ditch because I let someone else drive my car and I was stupid enough to try to go home even though me and my friend were both intoxicated. And obviously I don't go out and drink all the time anymore because I go into this whole mess for under-age drinking and driving under the influence and I mean thank God that nobody else and hurt and that no matter how horrid the experience me that we got out of everything safely. Okay so I'm really gonna try to stay focused here and think about what I'm trying say umm....

In my youth, I feel like this verse of Ecclesiastes is so fitting because I really need to remember that God is the Creator, and He is the owner of my life and everything in my life comes from Him and every decision I make should be for the Creator, and I look back on this experience, I look back on this year and I can remember how weak and helpless I felt and I see the evil consequences that can occur if I choose to live a life in my own selfishness. And I need to remember that everything in my life, everything that I am is not because of my will, but His, and I feel like God is in my life and that He is a big enough part of my life that He will not allow anything that is not of Him to prosper in my life. Does that make sense? So I am blessed to have this much of God in my life, and even when I am lost, He makes it a point to push me in the right direction and this crucial moment in my life is a reflection of this, and I honestly don't know where I'm supposed to go from this point forward. And it's so crazy to think that these years of youth are the most pivotal times in my life, and that the man that I'm gonna be in five years is going to be so different and so much more, I hope, than anything I've ever been. I guess what I'm trying say is that it's time for me to let Jesus take the wheel, especially now, because who I am in the next five, ten years is pretty much who I want to be for the rest of my life and I mean , I'm growing up and I'm reaching the end of my adolescence and I need to stop trying to find myself through the world and find myself through Him. I don't know what's gonna come of this court case, and I don't know how things will play out with honest testimonies, but I pray that no matter what happens that I never, ever lose faith in God's purpose for me, and I really leave it in His hands. Life is so much better that way! :)

One last thing though, um so I've established that there's new peace in my life that is obviously greater than anything that I could attain on my own. I mean it's a peace that is from God because there is no way that in my fleshly body that I could overcome daily situations with such peace of mind without the Lord. So I know He's working in my life, but I feel like there's so much potential in my future and that I could really go a million directions, but I feel so lost in which direction I should go, and I tainted by this ideal that if I dream big and if I put in the work and I make things happen that it will happen for me, but the problem with this ideal is that I start to rashly act upon my own desires and I need to act courageously with God and stop attempting to act courageously on my own and stop comparing myself to the world around me. Now is the time, but I don't know which way to go, and I need to really to take the time to really listen to what God has in store for me. I don't know if God wants me to go to the Philippines and help the country through my studies and volunteer work, or use my influence as a model to spread the good news. I don't know if He really wants me to teach English in Korea. I'm kind of just putting the pieces in my life together like because I'm English major and because there will be opportunities abroad for me and I'm interested in the Korean culture and have always felt a connection to Korean people, I feel like I'm being called to teach there, but I've never really taken the time to ask God. Similarly, with the Philippines like I've had this burning desire to gain a sense of identity and help my native country and use my blessings to help people and I feel like I could make the biggest in the difference in the Philippines. And I feel like with the whole modeling thing it's like I would never even think twice about realistically going in that direction, but it's like it's always been a desire in the back of my head that I was too embarrassed to openly talk about with people and I don't know what this stroke of luck of this model agent who saw me open the door for my mom is supposed to be some sort of sign that I can, and I'm supposed to impact people in this way, I don't know. I honestly don't know and I probably really stupid in just thinking these things, but at least now in my life I'm starting to thinking about my vocation in terms of what God has planned for me. When I think about my future, I see myself doing what God has planned for me, and although I don't know exactly what that is, it's like I know that He is going to use me for something bigger than myself, and something that will make an impact in this world, and I promise that I will do my best to open my eyes to His will and to stay God-centered in the rest of my life.

back and forth, back and forth

ah. the wheels keep spinning and i get nowhere, but i still keep pushing on the gas hoping to get out. i have all these dreams in my head. i talk about them, but i fail to act upon them. i say i'm not gonna let my temper get the best of me, but i continue to yell. i tell myself that i'm going to wake up and the next day will different, but in the end it's all the same. i wake up optimistic but my interactions with the outside world continue to bring me down. my feet are on the ground and im focused ready to work but i'm shackled down by things that i cannot control. i have good intentions but actions don't show it. im just tired of not understanding and being misunderstood.

I take a step back from all the failures and remind myself that God created me with a purpose; despite my shortcomings I still have a purpose. I might not have all the answers about my future, and I'm far from where I want to be, but His spirit is working its way in my life and through Him I will overcome life's adversities. No matter what sacrifices I must make, nothing compares to God's ultimate sacrifice, to send His only begotten son for us. Jesus is my HERO. He is my hope for a brighter future, he is my strength.

Man, "Thankful" by Josh Groban is an awesome song.

christmas :)

Christmas only comes once a year, but I need to remember "Emmanuel," God is with us always.

christmas time

so this christmas is really weird because I feel like time is going by so fast, and with work and all, i feel like the holiday just came so fast. it's like since everyone's been working, the days before christmas aren't as cheerful. i miss the feeling of anticipation. since time is passing so quickly, it's like I kind of get depressed that I've accomplished nothing since last christmas. i always try to evalute my self-growth during this time of the year, and every year i delude myself into thinking that I've changed for the better, and this year i feel like i am in a better place than last year, but it's like i kind of face the same obstacles. this whole case doesn't seem to be going away any time soon and it's almost been a whole year since that happend. i still feel so weak. i still get so angry, so quickly. i still get really nervous and awkward, and i have yet to maintain my self-confidence.

i feel extra nostalgic this christmas season because I feel like in my walk with God, I should feel like my heart is pouring out for His love, but it's not. I have a yearning to have Him with me, and I feel like he is in my life, but with all the crap that's going on in my head, and all the things that I value in this secure world, I cannot just let all my sin go and just be filled with Him which doesn't make me feel nostalgic but it just angers me and frustrates me that I'm so caught up in this world, AHHHH! hafioewhiohwiohowh! Sometimes when I feel so filled with God's love I feel like I can move mountains, but I realize that my childish faith cannot overcome the powers of this world; i cannot overcome my weakness to sin, my weakness to rid myself of these worldly values.

i'm so freakin' emo, haha. i pray that tomorrow i feel the christmas spirit and am empowered by His existence in my life. I LOVE YOU JESUS, I really do! :)

oh life outside the US

today i had a nice talk with a customer representative from one of the dell call centers in makati, philippines :)

"I Hate This Part" cont. and the transition of the "Yes I Can" mentality

Alright so now I'm going to try to recollect each day and it will get really confusing because of the time difference between the States and the Philippines. Let's begin...

November 8, 2008: Arrival to the Philippines

My Uncle Dong, Tita Myr, and Mark pick my Mom and I from the Ninoy Aquino Airport. I remember that on the way to La Vista, I keep staring at out the window and try to absorb all the traffic, people, palm trees, jeepneys, and tri-cycles of Metro Manila, but I keep telling myself, "I don't feel like I'm in the Philippines." I'm startled by this truck full of live pigs in the back driving along Edsa, but I still keep telling myself I don't feel like I'm in the Philippines. We arrive home to La Vista, Q.C. and we are greeted by Uncle Dong's side of the family Ate Joanne, Ate Vic Vic and other relatives. I remember talking to Ate Vic Vic about my major and my plans to teach abroad and talking to her was the start of the "Yes I Can" mentality that developed while I was in the Philippines. I guess what made me think that I could make a difference in the Philippines, and act as an advocate for this "Yes I Can" mentality, was the fact that Ate Vic Vic was impressed that I was an English major and she made it seem like there were a lot of opportunities for teaching English in the PI. I guess it's also because she's a professor for Public Speaking and she was just so motivational.

After chillin' at the house, Tin, the debutante, arrives from school and me, Tin, Kuya Che, Kuya Mike and Mark walk to the Jolibee next to the Petron. As I'm walking I am happy to breathe in fresh and controlled air. A type of air that wasn't experienced in my last visit to the PI 5 years ago. This reference is to my conception that the air quality has improved in the Philippines and also has a figurative meaning for the new air I breathe as a 20 year-old, college student, opposed to a 15 year-old high school student. I remember I wrote something about family in Lertzman's class a couple of months after my visit to the Philippines, and even in my personal statement, I centralized around the concept of Family as a reflection of Philippine culture, and I still affirm family as a big part of Philippine culture, but when I was 15, I think I thought of only my family ties in the Phillippines to mean culture for me. but now I associate the hardships, struggles, sacrifices, self-lessness of the collective Family to the Philippines.

Back to the facts of the story, as Mr. Grangrind would say it's all about the facts, facts, and education don't mean a thang without the facts and all my sentimentalism don't mean a thang! :)

So we arrive to Jolibee and I'm so happy :) I'm able to practice my tagalog and order things I could never consume in the States; though we have Jolibees in the States they don't compare to the ones in the Philippines. You don't get that same authentic flavor. You don't get that ambiance of Metro Manila, the courtesy of the workers. You don't see the pictures of Aga Mulach and you don't get the feeling of, "Hey this is where I belong." So we sat at Jolibee and I relished in the consumption of Macupuno Ube? (It was similar to Halo-Halo) We all sat in the booth and laughed because of Mike's miscommunication about leche with the cashier. Then my brothers told me to prepare myself for our gimic that same night.

Later that evening Kuya Che's, best friend, Joel, picked us up from La Vista and we went to Makati to meet Ate Lisha, Ate Tanya, and their two cousins at this bar called Attica. When we entered Attica, I was given a taste of the night life in Metro Manila. We went up to the second floor and they had this lounge and then we all just had drinks outside on the balcony. On the balcony, you could see the traffic of Metro Manila and hear all the honking of horns and really just appreciate the difference of Manila from other cities. It was like you would see all these narrow roads and worn out buildings and then there would be all these pockets of modern, sheek bars, clubs, and restos. Whether you disapprove of the integration of poverty and modern development, you can't help but appreciate Manila for what it is. Ate Lish and the gang arrived and we hung out at Attica for a while and got acquainted with her cousins, had a few drinks, and went to another bar, called Fiamma. This place was freakin' koo! They played all this house and it was a two-story building that looked like a two-story, really modern-looking, house. The first floor was really wide and big and there were a lot of people but you weren't like squeezed in. Then towards the left of the bar/club, there were all these small parties of people and you could order and drink with your friends there. On the second floor, there was a dance floor, but our group just hung out downstairs. The night was filled with lots of picture-taking, drinking, and eating of some of the best quesedillas ever, paid for by Ate Tan :)

November 9, 2008- The Debut of Kristin A. Militante

Alright I'm getting a little tired now, but I give you the highlights of the Debut. My brother MC-eed and put his American flava on the whole event. We arrived there early and I was greeted by Tin's friends and all of us guys were in a white tees because it was too hot to put on our suits, and it was so weird cuz I felt this odd sense of comfort by the fact that the knights looked and dressed like me. They even thought that I was from the Philippines even though I spoke with my American accent. In the states, there's a mix of so many cultures, and even the Filipinos here come from all parts of the Philippines, and it just felt really koo to feel like you belonged somewhere, and it was even cooler that even though I'm from America, I fit so well with Tin's barkada in Manila. Well anyway back to the highlights. Tin entered by coming down the stairs and she was so beautiful and lady-like in her big, pink dress. Everyone was left breatheless. She had this little sitting area on the stage and that's where everything commenced from. There were slideshows and all this really good food and Tita Myr and Uncle Dong had wonderful speeches. Tita Myr's speech was really heart-wrenching because she's a really good writer and she knows how to convey her thoughts and she kept talking about how the birth of Tin was really a miracle; because Tita Myr had Tin at the age of 43 and it really reminded me of Elizabeth, Mary's cousin or sister, and how everyone said she was barren and yeah. And then she talked about how all her daughter's dreams were coming true and one part of her speech that stuck out was how she talked about how she wished that Tin could hear what's in her mind and heart because it was so hard to express in words how she felt. Then Uncle Dong's speech was really memorable because in his speech, he really underscored how much Tin meant to the family and how proud he was of Tin. Then it was time for Mark's performance with Tin and it was so cool cuz while Mark was singing, "Where's the Girl?" Tin was making this dramatic flee from him and in a nutshell, it was a real crowd-pleaser. It was such a grand, grand event. Then my brother interviewed the 18 knights and we got to Tin and her friends a little better and we got introduced to all the past and present love interests of Tin. It was really lots of fun. At the end of the debut there was time for a little dancing, but during that time I was acquainted with many of Tin's girlfriends, :) It was really koo cuz I felt like I was welcomed there and we all made plans to hang out again and facebook each other, :)

Honestly, the debut was a great introduction to the course of the trip. I see Tin as a lady with this bright future, and I was just awe-struck at her growth and maturity just in the past few years. Also, I felt really comfortable being with a younger crowd, with people my age. Tin's debut made me realize how crucial this time in my life is, and how there's so much potential for the future, for a future career abroad. I just have to remember that I do have a future and stay focused and appreciative of all the things that I have in this present moment.