ah. the wheels keep spinning and i get nowhere, but i still keep pushing on the gas hoping to get out. i have all these dreams in my head. i talk about them, but i fail to act upon them. i say i'm not gonna let my temper get the best of me, but i continue to yell. i tell myself that i'm going to wake up and the next day will different, but in the end it's all the same. i wake up optimistic but my interactions with the outside world continue to bring me down. my feet are on the ground and im focused ready to work but i'm shackled down by things that i cannot control. i have good intentions but actions don't show it. im just tired of not understanding and being misunderstood.
I take a step back from all the failures and remind myself that God created me with a purpose; despite my shortcomings I still have a purpose. I might not have all the answers about my future, and I'm far from where I want to be, but His spirit is working its way in my life and through Him I will overcome life's adversities. No matter what sacrifices I must make, nothing compares to God's ultimate sacrifice, to send His only begotten son for us. Jesus is my HERO. He is my hope for a brighter future, he is my strength.
Man, "Thankful" by Josh Groban is an awesome song.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
christmas :)
Christmas only comes once a year, but I need to remember "Emmanuel," God is with us always.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
christmas time
so this christmas is really weird because I feel like time is going by so fast, and with work and all, i feel like the holiday just came so fast. it's like since everyone's been working, the days before christmas aren't as cheerful. i miss the feeling of anticipation. since time is passing so quickly, it's like I kind of get depressed that I've accomplished nothing since last christmas. i always try to evalute my self-growth during this time of the year, and every year i delude myself into thinking that I've changed for the better, and this year i feel like i am in a better place than last year, but it's like i kind of face the same obstacles. this whole case doesn't seem to be going away any time soon and it's almost been a whole year since that happend. i still feel so weak. i still get so angry, so quickly. i still get really nervous and awkward, and i have yet to maintain my self-confidence.
i feel extra nostalgic this christmas season because I feel like in my walk with God, I should feel like my heart is pouring out for His love, but it's not. I have a yearning to have Him with me, and I feel like he is in my life, but with all the crap that's going on in my head, and all the things that I value in this secure world, I cannot just let all my sin go and just be filled with Him which doesn't make me feel nostalgic but it just angers me and frustrates me that I'm so caught up in this world, AHHHH! hafioewhiohwiohowh! Sometimes when I feel so filled with God's love I feel like I can move mountains, but I realize that my childish faith cannot overcome the powers of this world; i cannot overcome my weakness to sin, my weakness to rid myself of these worldly values.
i'm so freakin' emo, haha. i pray that tomorrow i feel the christmas spirit and am empowered by His existence in my life. I LOVE YOU JESUS, I really do! :)
i feel extra nostalgic this christmas season because I feel like in my walk with God, I should feel like my heart is pouring out for His love, but it's not. I have a yearning to have Him with me, and I feel like he is in my life, but with all the crap that's going on in my head, and all the things that I value in this secure world, I cannot just let all my sin go and just be filled with Him which doesn't make me feel nostalgic but it just angers me and frustrates me that I'm so caught up in this world, AHHHH! hafioewhiohwiohowh! Sometimes when I feel so filled with God's love I feel like I can move mountains, but I realize that my childish faith cannot overcome the powers of this world; i cannot overcome my weakness to sin, my weakness to rid myself of these worldly values.
i'm so freakin' emo, haha. i pray that tomorrow i feel the christmas spirit and am empowered by His existence in my life. I LOVE YOU JESUS, I really do! :)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
oh life outside the US
today i had a nice talk with a customer representative from one of the dell call centers in makati, philippines :)
Monday, November 17, 2008
"I Hate This Part" cont. and the transition of the "Yes I Can" mentality
Alright so now I'm going to try to recollect each day and it will get really confusing because of the time difference between the States and the Philippines. Let's begin...
November 8, 2008: Arrival to the Philippines
My Uncle Dong, Tita Myr, and Mark pick my Mom and I from the Ninoy Aquino Airport. I remember that on the way to La Vista, I keep staring at out the window and try to absorb all the traffic, people, palm trees, jeepneys, and tri-cycles of Metro Manila, but I keep telling myself, "I don't feel like I'm in the Philippines." I'm startled by this truck full of live pigs in the back driving along Edsa, but I still keep telling myself I don't feel like I'm in the Philippines. We arrive home to La Vista, Q.C. and we are greeted by Uncle Dong's side of the family Ate Joanne, Ate Vic Vic and other relatives. I remember talking to Ate Vic Vic about my major and my plans to teach abroad and talking to her was the start of the "Yes I Can" mentality that developed while I was in the Philippines. I guess what made me think that I could make a difference in the Philippines, and act as an advocate for this "Yes I Can" mentality, was the fact that Ate Vic Vic was impressed that I was an English major and she made it seem like there were a lot of opportunities for teaching English in the PI. I guess it's also because she's a professor for Public Speaking and she was just so motivational.
After chillin' at the house, Tin, the debutante, arrives from school and me, Tin, Kuya Che, Kuya Mike and Mark walk to the Jolibee next to the Petron. As I'm walking I am happy to breathe in fresh and controlled air. A type of air that wasn't experienced in my last visit to the PI 5 years ago. This reference is to my conception that the air quality has improved in the Philippines and also has a figurative meaning for the new air I breathe as a 20 year-old, college student, opposed to a 15 year-old high school student. I remember I wrote something about family in Lertzman's class a couple of months after my visit to the Philippines, and even in my personal statement, I centralized around the concept of Family as a reflection of Philippine culture, and I still affirm family as a big part of Philippine culture, but when I was 15, I think I thought of only my family ties in the Phillippines to mean culture for me. but now I associate the hardships, struggles, sacrifices, self-lessness of the collective Family to the Philippines.
Back to the facts of the story, as Mr. Grangrind would say it's all about the facts, facts, and education don't mean a thang without the facts and all my sentimentalism don't mean a thang! :)
So we arrive to Jolibee and I'm so happy :) I'm able to practice my tagalog and order things I could never consume in the States; though we have Jolibees in the States they don't compare to the ones in the Philippines. You don't get that same authentic flavor. You don't get that ambiance of Metro Manila, the courtesy of the workers. You don't see the pictures of Aga Mulach and you don't get the feeling of, "Hey this is where I belong." So we sat at Jolibee and I relished in the consumption of Macupuno Ube? (It was similar to Halo-Halo) We all sat in the booth and laughed because of Mike's miscommunication about leche with the cashier. Then my brothers told me to prepare myself for our gimic that same night.
Later that evening Kuya Che's, best friend, Joel, picked us up from La Vista and we went to Makati to meet Ate Lisha, Ate Tanya, and their two cousins at this bar called Attica. When we entered Attica, I was given a taste of the night life in Metro Manila. We went up to the second floor and they had this lounge and then we all just had drinks outside on the balcony. On the balcony, you could see the traffic of Metro Manila and hear all the honking of horns and really just appreciate the difference of Manila from other cities. It was like you would see all these narrow roads and worn out buildings and then there would be all these pockets of modern, sheek bars, clubs, and restos. Whether you disapprove of the integration of poverty and modern development, you can't help but appreciate Manila for what it is. Ate Lish and the gang arrived and we hung out at Attica for a while and got acquainted with her cousins, had a few drinks, and went to another bar, called Fiamma. This place was freakin' koo! They played all this house and it was a two-story building that looked like a two-story, really modern-looking, house. The first floor was really wide and big and there were a lot of people but you weren't like squeezed in. Then towards the left of the bar/club, there were all these small parties of people and you could order and drink with your friends there. On the second floor, there was a dance floor, but our group just hung out downstairs. The night was filled with lots of picture-taking, drinking, and eating of some of the best quesedillas ever, paid for by Ate Tan :)
November 9, 2008- The Debut of Kristin A. Militante
Alright I'm getting a little tired now, but I give you the highlights of the Debut. My brother MC-eed and put his American flava on the whole event. We arrived there early and I was greeted by Tin's friends and all of us guys were in a white tees because it was too hot to put on our suits, and it was so weird cuz I felt this odd sense of comfort by the fact that the knights looked and dressed like me. They even thought that I was from the Philippines even though I spoke with my American accent. In the states, there's a mix of so many cultures, and even the Filipinos here come from all parts of the Philippines, and it just felt really koo to feel like you belonged somewhere, and it was even cooler that even though I'm from America, I fit so well with Tin's barkada in Manila. Well anyway back to the highlights. Tin entered by coming down the stairs and she was so beautiful and lady-like in her big, pink dress. Everyone was left breatheless. She had this little sitting area on the stage and that's where everything commenced from. There were slideshows and all this really good food and Tita Myr and Uncle Dong had wonderful speeches. Tita Myr's speech was really heart-wrenching because she's a really good writer and she knows how to convey her thoughts and she kept talking about how the birth of Tin was really a miracle; because Tita Myr had Tin at the age of 43 and it really reminded me of Elizabeth, Mary's cousin or sister, and how everyone said she was barren and yeah. And then she talked about how all her daughter's dreams were coming true and one part of her speech that stuck out was how she talked about how she wished that Tin could hear what's in her mind and heart because it was so hard to express in words how she felt. Then Uncle Dong's speech was really memorable because in his speech, he really underscored how much Tin meant to the family and how proud he was of Tin. Then it was time for Mark's performance with Tin and it was so cool cuz while Mark was singing, "Where's the Girl?" Tin was making this dramatic flee from him and in a nutshell, it was a real crowd-pleaser. It was such a grand, grand event. Then my brother interviewed the 18 knights and we got to Tin and her friends a little better and we got introduced to all the past and present love interests of Tin. It was really lots of fun. At the end of the debut there was time for a little dancing, but during that time I was acquainted with many of Tin's girlfriends, :) It was really koo cuz I felt like I was welcomed there and we all made plans to hang out again and facebook each other, :)
Honestly, the debut was a great introduction to the course of the trip. I see Tin as a lady with this bright future, and I was just awe-struck at her growth and maturity just in the past few years. Also, I felt really comfortable being with a younger crowd, with people my age. Tin's debut made me realize how crucial this time in my life is, and how there's so much potential for the future, for a future career abroad. I just have to remember that I do have a future and stay focused and appreciative of all the things that I have in this present moment.
November 8, 2008: Arrival to the Philippines
My Uncle Dong, Tita Myr, and Mark pick my Mom and I from the Ninoy Aquino Airport. I remember that on the way to La Vista, I keep staring at out the window and try to absorb all the traffic, people, palm trees, jeepneys, and tri-cycles of Metro Manila, but I keep telling myself, "I don't feel like I'm in the Philippines." I'm startled by this truck full of live pigs in the back driving along Edsa, but I still keep telling myself I don't feel like I'm in the Philippines. We arrive home to La Vista, Q.C. and we are greeted by Uncle Dong's side of the family Ate Joanne, Ate Vic Vic and other relatives. I remember talking to Ate Vic Vic about my major and my plans to teach abroad and talking to her was the start of the "Yes I Can" mentality that developed while I was in the Philippines. I guess what made me think that I could make a difference in the Philippines, and act as an advocate for this "Yes I Can" mentality, was the fact that Ate Vic Vic was impressed that I was an English major and she made it seem like there were a lot of opportunities for teaching English in the PI. I guess it's also because she's a professor for Public Speaking and she was just so motivational.
After chillin' at the house, Tin, the debutante, arrives from school and me, Tin, Kuya Che, Kuya Mike and Mark walk to the Jolibee next to the Petron. As I'm walking I am happy to breathe in fresh and controlled air. A type of air that wasn't experienced in my last visit to the PI 5 years ago. This reference is to my conception that the air quality has improved in the Philippines and also has a figurative meaning for the new air I breathe as a 20 year-old, college student, opposed to a 15 year-old high school student. I remember I wrote something about family in Lertzman's class a couple of months after my visit to the Philippines, and even in my personal statement, I centralized around the concept of Family as a reflection of Philippine culture, and I still affirm family as a big part of Philippine culture, but when I was 15, I think I thought of only my family ties in the Phillippines to mean culture for me. but now I associate the hardships, struggles, sacrifices, self-lessness of the collective Family to the Philippines.
Back to the facts of the story, as Mr. Grangrind would say it's all about the facts, facts, and education don't mean a thang without the facts and all my sentimentalism don't mean a thang! :)
So we arrive to Jolibee and I'm so happy :) I'm able to practice my tagalog and order things I could never consume in the States; though we have Jolibees in the States they don't compare to the ones in the Philippines. You don't get that same authentic flavor. You don't get that ambiance of Metro Manila, the courtesy of the workers. You don't see the pictures of Aga Mulach and you don't get the feeling of, "Hey this is where I belong." So we sat at Jolibee and I relished in the consumption of Macupuno Ube? (It was similar to Halo-Halo) We all sat in the booth and laughed because of Mike's miscommunication about leche with the cashier. Then my brothers told me to prepare myself for our gimic that same night.
Later that evening Kuya Che's, best friend, Joel, picked us up from La Vista and we went to Makati to meet Ate Lisha, Ate Tanya, and their two cousins at this bar called Attica. When we entered Attica, I was given a taste of the night life in Metro Manila. We went up to the second floor and they had this lounge and then we all just had drinks outside on the balcony. On the balcony, you could see the traffic of Metro Manila and hear all the honking of horns and really just appreciate the difference of Manila from other cities. It was like you would see all these narrow roads and worn out buildings and then there would be all these pockets of modern, sheek bars, clubs, and restos. Whether you disapprove of the integration of poverty and modern development, you can't help but appreciate Manila for what it is. Ate Lish and the gang arrived and we hung out at Attica for a while and got acquainted with her cousins, had a few drinks, and went to another bar, called Fiamma. This place was freakin' koo! They played all this house and it was a two-story building that looked like a two-story, really modern-looking, house. The first floor was really wide and big and there were a lot of people but you weren't like squeezed in. Then towards the left of the bar/club, there were all these small parties of people and you could order and drink with your friends there. On the second floor, there was a dance floor, but our group just hung out downstairs. The night was filled with lots of picture-taking, drinking, and eating of some of the best quesedillas ever, paid for by Ate Tan :)
November 9, 2008- The Debut of Kristin A. Militante
Alright I'm getting a little tired now, but I give you the highlights of the Debut. My brother MC-eed and put his American flava on the whole event. We arrived there early and I was greeted by Tin's friends and all of us guys were in a white tees because it was too hot to put on our suits, and it was so weird cuz I felt this odd sense of comfort by the fact that the knights looked and dressed like me. They even thought that I was from the Philippines even though I spoke with my American accent. In the states, there's a mix of so many cultures, and even the Filipinos here come from all parts of the Philippines, and it just felt really koo to feel like you belonged somewhere, and it was even cooler that even though I'm from America, I fit so well with Tin's barkada in Manila. Well anyway back to the highlights. Tin entered by coming down the stairs and she was so beautiful and lady-like in her big, pink dress. Everyone was left breatheless. She had this little sitting area on the stage and that's where everything commenced from. There were slideshows and all this really good food and Tita Myr and Uncle Dong had wonderful speeches. Tita Myr's speech was really heart-wrenching because she's a really good writer and she knows how to convey her thoughts and she kept talking about how the birth of Tin was really a miracle; because Tita Myr had Tin at the age of 43 and it really reminded me of Elizabeth, Mary's cousin or sister, and how everyone said she was barren and yeah. And then she talked about how all her daughter's dreams were coming true and one part of her speech that stuck out was how she talked about how she wished that Tin could hear what's in her mind and heart because it was so hard to express in words how she felt. Then Uncle Dong's speech was really memorable because in his speech, he really underscored how much Tin meant to the family and how proud he was of Tin. Then it was time for Mark's performance with Tin and it was so cool cuz while Mark was singing, "Where's the Girl?" Tin was making this dramatic flee from him and in a nutshell, it was a real crowd-pleaser. It was such a grand, grand event. Then my brother interviewed the 18 knights and we got to Tin and her friends a little better and we got introduced to all the past and present love interests of Tin. It was really lots of fun. At the end of the debut there was time for a little dancing, but during that time I was acquainted with many of Tin's girlfriends, :) It was really koo cuz I felt like I was welcomed there and we all made plans to hang out again and facebook each other, :)
Honestly, the debut was a great introduction to the course of the trip. I see Tin as a lady with this bright future, and I was just awe-struck at her growth and maturity just in the past few years. Also, I felt really comfortable being with a younger crowd, with people my age. Tin's debut made me realize how crucial this time in my life is, and how there's so much potential for the future, for a future career abroad. I just have to remember that I do have a future and stay focused and appreciative of all the things that I have in this present moment.
the hardest part ed. I Hate This Part
right now it is 3:07 am in the States and 7:07 pm in the Philippines and I just awoke from my 9-hour slumber after landing at 1:35pm, Sunday, November 16, which is 5:35 am, Monday, November 17. I guess I'm so obsessed with this concept of time in this blog because I want to underscore the affects of a double-consciousness of culture in my life. Though I was raised here in the U.S., I have acquired this sense of transnationalism through my visits to the Philippines and the transnational mentalities of my Pilipino parents. Furthermore, my purpose in keeping track of the dates and times of this present moment is to compensate for the void of my accounts during my actual trip. I know I lose some sort of authority for I am writing about my trip after returning to the States, but at least it's better than having all these thoughts trapped in my head. Alright so I just wanted to note this. I was trying to come up with a title for my blog and I was inspired by that new single from the Pussycat Dolls. I know it sounds really weird because it's from the Pussycat Dolls, but I remember sitting in on the couch in my Tita Myr's basement, watching MTV Philippines, and this video came out and it was sooo sick and Nicole looked so fine and she's like apart of the Philippines with all her ads and stuff and concerts in Manila. Then when I was at the Incheon Airport, I found myself humming "I hate this part right here" cuz I hate leaving the Philippines and comin' back here. However, when I tried to think of the title I thought it was the hardest part, but it's supposed to be I Hate This Part.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
mark the day
today, well i guess yesterday, marks the day of change, and I am not going to talk about the politics of Barack Obama's victory for I am ignorant of many things, but I want to express the significance of his idea of "change" for me. I don't know...I just feel like in spite of all my flaws and insecurities and doubts and shortcomings I just feel like my heart will not give up, my heart will not give up. No matter how many times I get frustrated about my alienation from people and society, I ultimately remember that compassion in this world goes along way and my life will not prosper if I continue an unwillingness to make the effort to change. I am so tired of lingering on the past and being a man of mere words. I just want to take action in my thoughts and see my life changed. I want to let Him take over and just purge me of all my sinfulness and and selfishness and use me to make change. I can make a change, you can make change, and most certainly, we can make a change together!
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