my first rap/poem

i have to admit that when i spit
a little rhyme or two my words are not legit

i get caught up in the maze
of anticipated gaze
from those who judge
and my heart fails to budge
all the passion in my soul
refuses to assume its role

as the unstoppable force
that unites me with the Source
of all the great thangs in life
of the One Creator who takes away all the strife
the Blessed Redeemer who
promises eternal life
givin' me a chance to make things right as I lose sight
so I continue to fight with all of my might
because through Him
I can live with such passion as David's hymn

and in due time my rhymes spit so sick
they call you...think, quick
there's no time even to lick
ya little lips and attempt to spit
you mine as well quit cos ull never be able to outwit
this place just got lit

note to god

honestly, there are times in your life when you just feel like crap and then all of a sudden your day changes because of a stranger's smile or a great test score or an inspirational song or movie you might have listened to or watched. or maybe your day changes because of the sunny day outside or a small compliment from someone. i don't know man. i don't know how to express what im feeling but honestly, i am inspired. there's this seventeen year old girl named Charice Pempengco that is just blowing up in the world and she is from the Philippines, and most importantly, she really is an inspiration. It so queer and cheesy, but I am seriously a fan! Her life is just such a freakin' inspiration.

She is an inspiration because she really is the product of the American Dream. She came from a hard life in the Philippines, a life of poverty and struggle and rejection. In the Philippines, people didn't embrace her talent and nobody noticed her because she wasn't pretty in the eyes of Filipinos. It wasn't until she was discovered on youtube, and garnered international sucess, that she gained popularity by her fellow Filipinos. She overcame people's rejection of her raw talent in spite of all her adversities, and now she is changing the world.

When I was growing up, I always watched the videos of Filipino variety shows after my mom would bring them home on the weekends, after a long week at work. There were so many great, amazing singers singing songs by popular American artists like Barbara Streisand, Bete Midler, Barry Manilow, Brian Mcknight, Mariah Carey, and basically everyone and anyone that had a hit single in America. I always wondered why these phenomenal singers never came to America to try to make it big. They sang in perfect English, and performed their own renditions to American songs that were even better than the original.

In the beginning of my adolescence, I was submerged into the K-Pop scene by my middle school peers. They would always boast about the most popoular korean groups: HOT, Fly to the Sky, Shinwa, and the hottest solo artists, Boa, Kangta, Bi, Hyori, etc. And I always had so much pride in the fact that Filipinos sang so well and had so much talent, but they couldn't really compare to these artists because they were just imitating their beloved American singers. When I did share Original Pinoy Music Artists, OPM Artists, with my friends they would find it so odd that Filipino cds would consist of Filipino artists singing American pop songs. My friend, Sujin, was perplexed when she heard Freestyle singing a medley of Janet Jackson and Boyz II Men hits; but for me it was so normal.

And now we go back to the topic of Charice Pempengco. Every time I see her performances on TFC, Youtube, Oprah, the Mandalay Bay. Every time I see performances of her video in South Korea, Italy, the Netherlands, London, Manila, Cebu, the States, I am so inspired and I am so proud to be a Filipino. I feel like dreams really can come true, and it could come true for the ordinary person, and these days I feel so shitty about myself. About my appearance. About my future. About my job. About my leadership skills. About my writing skills. About my life, and I just don't have confidence in myself. I am so affected by people's scolding of my actions, of my shortcomings, and I am so sensitive to people's words that I just overlook all the great qualities that I have and if I do recognize them, I perceive them as qualities of my effeminate character. Why is it a weakness to care about others? Why is it a weakness to be easily inspired by life? Why is it a weakness to proclaim my love for life and for those around me? Why is it a weakness to want to cheer at the top of my lungs, jump up and down, and yell, "hoot, hoot, hoot!" after being inspired? Why do I feel so weak in the world?!??! WHY? WHY? WHY? After thinking all these things and feeling like these, there are moments when I just observe the fairytale story of Charice Pempengco, and I am rejuvenated. It's crazy silly, but it has that effect. Here's this girl who was rejected in her homeland for not being "pretty," who was part of the poor working class in the Philippines, and without any connections from the rich, she rose to stardom. In spite of all the shit that people talk, she does not cease to blow audiences away around the world. And the cool thing is that she is staying true to her self and to her passions.

My conclusion is that I just want to embrace who I am, and improve myself, and stop freakin being so self-conscious about how I act, speak, think, and live, and I just want to live life and spread peace and I don't give a freakin' A about how people will condemn me and if it's in my personality to try to help a billion people. From the crippled lady walking down to the street to the stripper at the nightclub, I am going to help, alright?!?!?

Just a sidenote, upon recapitulating the history of Filipino pop media in relation to the influence of their American colonizer, I am a bit troubled by the continuation of this post-colonial struggle. Though Charice is gaining worldwide success all over the world through her exposure in America, and is fulfilling her wildest dreams, and better yet, fulfilling every Filipino artists' dreams by making here in America, it still troubles me that she received recognition for her compelling performances of countless covers of American pop songs from artists like Whitney Houston and Celine Dion. Now she is "making it" in America not because of fellow Filipino artists but because of the famous, American songwriter/composer, David Foster. So basically, I am sad that we're still subordinate to American power, but I guess that's how the world works and I got have to be thankful that we're supporting each other and not at war with each other anymore. :)

yo!

so just one quick thought before i go to SD. Alright, so with all the inspirational young people that I've been meeting these days, who are really doing good in this world, I feel rejuvenated at this very moment. i know that this is just a fleeing moment, but i'm kind of in between the world of potential and practicality and i'm such a dreamer that i feel like if i just start believing in myself again, i can really make whatever happen. i know im doing good things in this world, but i just need to find a balance between everything and remember that everything serves some sort of purpose! :)

random

there's a whole world out there, that's so beyond my life here in irvine. even though all i can focus on is my petty, problematic life, i am revealed to the things that are greater than me and i am humbled. i am humbled and i am glad

tryin' something new

i've always been a man of many words, but i've come to the realization that using fewer words that leave an impression of people's minds is a much more effective means of communication. i've been using this blog to keep a document of my thoughts, of the many thoughts running through my head without playing victim to my inhibitions. it's been a means of keeping a record my stream of consciousness, but i want to try something different with this blog. i want to be a writer. a writer whose words and thoughts are valued by his reader.

as i reach the end of my adolescence, i strive to really develop myself as a person who does not deny himself of his individuality. i hope to gain confidence in the areas i excel in and strive to become someone who inspires others through my thoughts and actions.

one of my steps in being the person i want to be -and eliminating all my efforts in striving for something or someone that I'm not meant to be- is to expand my writing to a new level of effectiveness. i feel like i have a lot of things to say and i see the world in a different way that others don't, but that is really significant and is worth listening to, but my self image and the way i write kind of causes people to lose focus of the significance of my thoughts and actions. i thought a good way to alleviate this problem is to train my natural voice to deviate from expressing an eternity of jumbled, circular thoughts, and develop my voice into a force that captivates with an undeniable clarity, packed with vivid imagery that appeals not only to the senses but the human spirit. so my plan is to exercise my writing senses by condensing my thoughts; hahaha i keep going on tangents.

the plan is to integrate my own voice to popular quotes that have influenced me in the media. i want to play around with advertising and being a poet, hahaha. so hopefully, this well give me a sense of how i can captivate people in one, condensed, simple thought. so i guess ill pick 10 quotes and try to let my voice speak through them. again, these are quotes from mainstream media/pop culture/songs or they're phrases that i refer to a lot, haha.

1. "JUST DO IT!" (stop being such a pussy. man up and go for it!)
2. "Dance like nobody's watching."
(release your inhibitions. let go and let it rip!)
3. "Stop and smell the roses."
(stop what you're doing. get out of your hectic lifestyle and appreciate God's glory and wondrous deeds!)
4. "Life is a journey." (life is something that we all go through. it consists of many trials and tribulations, but there are many moments of happiness.)
5. "One step at a time" (thinking about the countless possibilities and trying to predict the cause and effect of each and every decision you make, and action you take, can be dangerous and just gives you unnecessary stress. avoid overwhelming yourself and take small doses as perscribed by the doctor.)
6. "Kick, push...kick push" (keep striving forward!)
7. "Hay, naku!" (in moments of disparity, i find solitude in my parent's native tongue and i just release and control my breathing and am relieved at my sighs of ah...)
8. "Awkward, turtle..." (when that really itchy, nasty feeling consumes your heart and soul and plagues your body. this disgustingly uneasy feeling/moment throws your nervous system off and makes you imbalanced and nervous. you can't sit still. you make awkward faces and convey awkward body language. you think of random things like a turtle.)
9. "I'm at a lost for words/And the funny thing is/It's okay" (the sublime)
10. "YES, WE CAN!" (product of propaganda and a hope for a better life through the American dream!)

"How's them for apples!"- Good Will Hunting

Oh I like this one too:
11. "Does anyone have some gum?" (it captures the moment of a long car drive or day of drone-like repetition that drains you of all your energy and leaves you with this nasty stank in your mouth that negatively effects you throughout your daily interactions with people and things. someone helps you out in this instant with something that you don't have but really need- a piece of gum to remedy the nasty stank that life sometimes wreaks of! i need a piece of gum right now and i just brushed my teeth. i'm gonna brush my teeth again and exemplify the words of just do it, hay naku, and kick push, kick push!)

CHARICE!

dude charice pempengco tore it up at Oprah's After Party, woot, woot!!! she sang her new single, "fingerprint," and she came out with choreography and all. She recorded the song just a couple of days ago, damn she's so talented! go to this link if you want to see one of the hottest stars of 2009 perform!

http://www.oprah.com/media/20090223_tows_charice-fingerprint

just another ordinary day....at the courtyard

launching off the ground like a rocket in the sky, i fly into the earth's atmosphere with my superhero cape anticipating my next adventure. who will i save today? who will witness my heroic deeds of awesomeness? which villain will i defeat? the one-eyed monster? the president of the tobacco industry? the six headed ninja monkey? who will it be? anyway, today should be fun. the world is at my fingertips and i can shape it to my liking. the power, the praise, the glory of it all. ah life is great. i am invincible, superhuman. what more could anyone ask for?

is it my superhuman strength that makes me a hero? is it my ability to fly into the deep blue sky? is it my superhuman hearing, or maybe it's my superhuman vision or my superhuman attractiveness? maybe it's my superhero costume? or my superhero attitude? or my dual superhero identity- the nerdy kid with glasses who always has his nose in a book, the fearless superhero in the midst of disparity? is it my life? will someone just freakin' answer? BAM! A big blue whale is tossed in the sky and eats me up alive. I am rendered of my superhuman ability just like that. who knew my only weakness? the whale, the big whale of life, eating me alive. dammit they got me. who am i now?

when we feel invincible enjoying the thrill of life, we tend to ignore life's uncertainty. who knows what will happen today or tomorrow? who knows what will happen a week, month, year, decade, century from now? all i know is that i am simply human, there's nothing superhuman about me, but through Him I can move mountains.